Silent Night, Ferret Night
by Polly Lynn
Summary: Summary: "I'm sorry, Beckett." Ryan was sorry. Sorry dripped from every syllable. "I'm sorry. It's . . . ferret related." Spoilers: Set at the very end of Secret Santa (5x09), so spoilers for that. This is set in the same universe as Muppet 47's brilliantly funny "Waiting Game." She is kindly loaning me the Furry Christmas Evil. Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Silent Night, Ferret Night

WC: ~2100 (Chapter 1)

A/N: Muppet_47 is very kindly loaning me the ferret from Waiting Game. If you haven't read that, you are completely mad and you need to do so immediately. This is loosely set in that universe, but it also assumes that Secret Santa happened. More or less. This will likely be about 5 chapters and it will be finished before Christmas. A big thank you to Muppet_47 also for looking over this first chapter and assuring me that it was not just funny inside my head and nowhere else.

* * *

The text just said _Help. _

It was from Ryan. Castle had responded immediately. As immediately as possible under the circumstances. The circumstances were a _lot_ of glögg and his mother not being very good at math. Only parts of the double batch had actually been doubled. The dangerous parts.

But he'd responded just as soon as he'd found his phone under a splat of dough. Cookie guns for everyone had seemed like such a good idea at the time. He hadn't counted on the glögg sticking Beckett's cop instincts in the _on_ position. Now everything was sticky and not in the good way.

He meant to say something along the lines of "Bat signal received. How may we assist you, citizen?" But the letters kept moving around and he ended up with _Wht? _

Castle would have figured that someone with Ryan's detecting skills could figure out the _A, _but the phone rang a second later.

"_What?" _Ryan sounded annoyed, even though he was the one sending cryptic texts on Christmas Eve.

"Yes, what. Exactly." Castle set the phone firmly on the countertop and put Ryan on speaker.

"_Castle, I'm desperate. Do you or don't you know where Beckett is?" _Ryan did sound desperate. That made Castle sad. No one should be desperate on Christmas Eve. They should be warm and happy and full of glögg and surrounded by their three favorite women.

Beckett slapped his arm. Hard. _Ow._ Three favorite, maybe, but order of preference was definitely up for grabs. "What was that for?"

"Ryan, what do you need?" Beckett elbowed her way closer to the phone.

_"Beckett? Thank God. Why didn't you answer your phone?"_

"Ask Castle . . . No, wait. Don't. He's a liar. And a phone ruiner. And drunk." She punctuated each accusation with a poke to the biceps. Her phone, as it happened was sitting in a baggie full of rice after a glögg incident. Arborio, to be exact, because it was all he had and it probably wouldn't work and he'd owe her a new phone.

"You're drunk, too." He jabbed a finger at her, but she caught it. Castle yelped preemptively.

"We're all drunk," Martha called out.

"I'm not," Alexis interjected. She sounded a little exasperated. Castle was suddenly worried she wasn't having a good time. She was such a good kid. She'd stayed home for him and he wanted her to have a good time.

"Everyone except Alexis is drunk," Martha amended. "It's glorious. I would invite you to join us, Detective, but shouldn't you be home getting that darling little wife of yours with child?"

The room went silent. Everyone other than Martha found a different spot on the ceiling or floor or wall suddenly and absolutely fascinating.

_"Uh, Beckett?"_ Ryan's voice cracked. _"Do you still have that emergency key to my place?" _

Kate's nose wrinkled in concern. It was adorable. Castle wanted to kiss it, but a vague sense of self preservation and a faint throbbing in his upper arm held him back.

"Back at my place. Kevin, is everything ok?" Her words were not slurred. At all.

Castle found that highly suspicious. Because either she was like those people in the movies who instantly sobered up when shit got real—and he had stayed drunk through a lot of pretty real shit, so he doubted it—_or_ she had been pretending to be drunker than she was for her own nefarious purposes. Castle was very interested in her nefarious purposes and he wanted Ryan and his mother and his kid to go away. Right now.

_"Uh, not exactly,"_ Ryan said. They could hear him covering the phone and saying something to someone else before he added, _"we're at the ER."_

"You and Jenny?" Castle was feeling a little soberer himself all of a sudden. _Shit. Stupid real shit. _

_"Yeah. Nothing serious." _There was an indistinct wail that Castle thought of as being off stage. _"Uh, nothing too serious. Probably. But we need a pretty big favor."_

"Ok?" There was guilt mixing in with Kate's concern now. Castle didn't like it. It was every bit as adorable, but guilt and nefariousness didn't go together. Now that he suspected that nefariousness was an option, he was reluctant to let it go.

_"Well, we left in kind of a hurry and I left the insurance cards behind . . ."_

"So you need us to pick them up at your place and bring them to the ER?" Castle cut in. He liked this plan. Helping out friends in distress. Friends with a cozy apartment that almost certainly had no daughters or mothers in it. "No problem!"

"Yes, problem," Kate snapped. That was less adorable. Hotter, but less adorable. "None of us is in shape to drive here, Ryan. Doesn't Espo have a key, too?"

"We don't want to interrupt Javier's Christmas plans, do we, Kate?" Castle gave her a wink. "We'll get a cab. Or a car."

"No." Kate glared at him.

Castle's face fell. That was definitely a 2-ply _no. _

She went on. "Ryan canceled their man date and Lanie shot him down when he tried to make a booty call."

_"It wasn't a man date!" _Ryan hissed.

"Oooooh, he tried for a sad Christmas booty call?" Castle said at the same time.

"Dad . . . " Alexis tried to cut in.

"Richard, darling, what is wrong with your left eye?" Martha fluttered over to him.

Beckett just rolled her eyes and snatched the phone from the counter. She switched it off speaker and moved into the living room, away from the growing cacophony.

"Kevin, I'm sorry, but we'll never get a cab on Christmas Eve. I think Espo's your best bet."

Ryan was silent. Only the background noise of the busy emergency room signaled that the call hadn't drooped.

"Ryan? You there?"

_"I . . . . can't ask Javier to do this, Beckett. Not after . . . "_

Kate closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She wasn't drunk. Just pleasantly buzzed. Or she had been until two seconds ago when she proceeded directly to hangover without passing go or collecting $200. "Oh, God, no . . ."

Something in her tone caught Castle's attention. He shushed Alexis and his mother and moved to wrap an arm around Kate. She tipped her forehead against his shoulder and there it was again, that annoying, growing sense of sobriety. The shit just kept getting realer. It was beginning to piss him off.

_"I'm sorry, Beckett."_ Ryan _was_ sorry. Sorry dripped from every syllable._ "I'm sorry. It's . . . ferret related."_

* * *

Alexis drove. This was . . . sub-ideal on a number of levels.

First, because, yes, Castle knewshe _could_ drive, at least as far as the state of New York was concerned (although evidence suggested their standards were not particularly high), but knowing was not the same as being crammed in the backseat of his own Mercedes clinging to the _Oh Shit-_bar every time they took a corner.

Second, because Kate had called shotgun—which, what the hell?Whose car _was _this anyway?

Third, because his mother was crammed into the backseat with him, singing Christmas carols at the top her lungs. He couldn't explain why his mother had insisted on coming along. No one could explain why his mother had insisted on coming along, least of all his mother. Unless a version of "Santa Baby" with at least 40% improvised lyrics counted as an explanation.

Fourth, because with this mother and daughter along, it was extremely unlikely that he could talk Kate into a quickie in Ryan's apartment. Even a really _quick_ quickie.

Fifth, because even if he _could _talk Kate into a really quick quickie, thus salvaging _something_ of their first Christmas together, the situation was "ferret related." It just had to be ferrets.

There was only one thing to look forward to: Getting the real story out of Ryan once they knew everyone was going to be ok. He had been vague on the phone to say the least. After some pretty intense questioning by Beckett—and file _that_ under hot, rather than cute—Ryan had only coughed up two facts: The ferret was . . . at large (but hopefully still in the apartment), and they needed to recover it in the hopes of saving both Ryan and Jenny from a series of rabies injections and possible eviction if their decidedly non-ferret-friendly landlord found the furry evil first.

"Why did Jenny even bring the thing _home_ . . . Alexis, this is America. We drive on the _right!" _Castle cringed and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Except when there's a car double parked, in which case, we safely pass it, on the _left,"_ Kate snapped. She then added to Alexis in a calm tone, "You're doing fine. Ignore him."

"Always do," Alexis muttered.

"I _heard _that! And you!" Castle jabbed a finger between the front seats. "_You_ didn't answer my question!"

Kate's head swiveled to glare at him. Castle holstered his jabbing finger.

"Where else would the ferret be, Castle?"

"Isn't it a classroom ferret? Isn't she corrupting our children with it?" He demanded.

"It's Christmas break. You thought she'd leave it at school for two weeks?"

"Guess we know who wasn't 'responsible' enough for a pet." Alexis met her father's eyes in the rearview mirror.

"Hey, Santa hasn't come yet," Castle retorted sullenly. "Something _both_ of you should keep in mind."

"I'm well aware that Santa hasn't come yet, Castle." Kate whirled around and jabbed her finger between the seats. Brazenly and unflinchingly jabbed her finger at him. Whose car was this anyway? "Maybe _you_ should keep that in mind."

It was out of her mouth before she could think better of it. Martha broke off in mid-improvised lyric and let loose a peal of laughter. Alexis stared dead ahead. Castle gaped. Kate Beckett had a dirty mind. Who knew? Well, he did, actually. Oh, yes, he did. Castle began to revisit the possibility of a quickie. A really quick quickie.

"No, Castle." Kate twisted back to face front and folded her arms over her chest. "Just _no_."

They pulled up in front of Ryan's apartment before Castle could come up with a rejoinder, which sucked. Because that rejoinder was going to be _awesome_.

At least he had the seatbelt sorted out this time. Back at her place, she'd pulled the rug right out from under one of his "really quick quickie" scenarios. She'd been out of the car and through the secured door to her lobby like lightning, leaving him still struggling with the latch.

_Not this time, Beckett. _The seatbelt retracted with a satisfying _zzzzppp. _Castle flung the door open and surged out of the back seat. He was around the curb side of the car and standing at Kate's elbow before she could even duck her head back through the open door to tell them all to stay put.

"Castle, get back in the car. I'll take care of this." She pulled Ryan's key from her pocket.

"No way, Beckett. This is ferret related. You're not going in without back up." Castle grabbed her arm and swayed toward her.

That move with the seatbelt and the surging and now the snowy, uneven street surface had apparently drained his sobriety reservoirs. Kate seemed to be having no such problems. She was all moving quickly and staying upright and the usual beautiful, graceful, ninja cop shit.

At least she _was_ until his hand on her elbow stopped her forward progress with a jerk. Castle's shin connected with a fire hydrant at the same moment. Through the pain, he wondered who had put that there and when and why was it hiding in the snow like a _jerk_?

Kate spun on her heel, which proved to be a mistake. A big, big mistake. The toe of her boot skidded over an ice patch and one foot went out from under her. Her arms pinwheeled to compensate.

Castle quickly let go of her elbow and lurched forward. By some miracle, one hand landed perfectly at the small of her back. The other snagged her waist around the front. He braced against the fire hydrant and managed to keep them both upright by pulling her to him. It would have been a perfect Hollywood clinch. It would have been romantic. It would have been if it weren't for the single key arcing gracefully through the air.

Their heads swiveled, perfectly synchronized, to watch in horror as it fell to the ground and skipped once, twice, three times with a cheerful little chime.

Kate scrambled to free herself from Castle's arms, but it was too late. The key glinted in the streetlight, its little bit of red ribbon dancing in the wind, as it slipped through the bars of the sewer grate.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for the kind reception, especially the flattering comparisons to Muppet_47's original. It's hard to imagine higher praise. Thanks, especially, for reviews!

* * *

_"You want me to _what?"

Castle and Beckett flinched back from the phone in Kate's upturned palm. Even on speaker at a slight distance, Lanie's voice . . . penetrated.

"Lanie, please. I know—I _know_—what I'm asking you," Kate pleaded.

_"No,"_ Lanie said after a brief, terrifying pause._ "No, I don't think you do know."_

"Oh, come on!" Castle yelled into the phone. "Ryan needs help, you're hot for Esposito's Latino bod. And it's _Christmas _for God's sake. What's the problem?"

"Castle!" Beckett hissed and slapped his arm again.

How she found the exact same spot time after time was a mystery. A painful, welt-raising mystery.

_"I _knew_ it!"_ Lanie shouted. _"I _knew_ this was a Castle plan. Kate Beckett, you better have your head examined. No man is good enough in bed for you to be listening to crazy plans like that."_

Kate's eyes flicked toward Castle without her consent. The look he was giving her was half smirk, half _I know exactly to do with your naked parts. _She simultaneously wanted to hit him and pin him up against the nearest wall.

"Castle," she said with a warning as she cupped her palm over the phone speaker.

"Hmmm?" He wasn't listening. He was scouting for dark corners with no line of sight from the curb where the car was parked.

"Let me handle this." She meant it to be firm and commanding, but it was all breathy and the emphasis fell weirdly on "handle" and _shit. _

Castle's brain was flooded with possible double entendres on "handle." The phone was in her slapping hand and the other was busy covering the speaker. He risked a step closer and leaned in. His lips all but brushed her ear. He was just about to let loose with the best one—the very best double entendre hand picked from some pretty competitive candidates—when the phone crackled with a muffled, angry sound.

_"Hello? Hello? You two? Oh, stop that. Stop doing that _thing_, or I am hanging up right now._"

Castle jumped back and clapped a hand to his heart. "I forgot about her. I forgot about tiny phone Lanie. She sounds mad."

"You _think_?" Kate hissed. She uncovered the speaker. At least she didn't slap him.

"Lanie, I'm sorry, but I don't think we can risk letting Javi in on . . . the situation. You know the holidays are hard on him anyway." Kate hated to do it, but she let the sentence linger.

Castle was right about one thing: Her friend still had feelings for Esposito and none of them liked to see him going through this time of year alone. She hated milking that. _Hated _it. But they were out of options. "We can't just . . . spring the ferret on him again."

"_Don't you try to work me like that," _Lanie warned, but it was no good. She was thawing. Castle and Beckett could both hear it in her voice.

"We need that key, Lanie," Castle added gently. He smoothed a hand over Kate's shoulder. He felt a warm rush of gratitude that he wasn't going it alone this year.

_"How the hell am I supposed to find it?"_ Lanie asked irritably._ "Those two may be the greatest bromance in history, but I can tell you this: Javier is not walking around with a key to Ryan's place on his ring."_

Castle gave Kate a tentative grin. She couldn't help but return it. They had her. Sort of.

It faded rapidly. Now came the hard part. And it was definitely a job for Castle. She nudged him. Hard.

"Oh, you don't have to find it," he said excitedly. "I'll ask him for it!"

_"You'll _. . ._ ask him for it?"_ Lanie sounded baffled.

Kate braced herself.

Castle blundered on. "Yeah! You show up at his place all Mata Hari, you know? You get him all worked up, and at _just_ the right moment: Cockblock! He won't be able to get us that key fast enough. More importantly, he won't ask questions."

"_That's your plan." _Lanie's voice was expressionless.

"Yeah!"

"_Your plan is that I show up on Esposito's doorstep on Christmas Eve—on Christmas Eve when I made a big deal about no sad holiday hook ups . . ." _

"It's only sad if the guy initiates!" Castle clapped a hand over his mouth. _Awkward. _

Kate just shook her head and ignored him. "Lanie . . ."

"_Don't you 'Lanie' me."_ Her sigh sounded like a gale-force wind through the phone speaker. _"Fine. I'll do it. But _only _because it's Christmas and that man has some serious issues when it comes to ferrets. So the plan is . . . " _

"It's simple," Castle jumped in. "I get the key and you two . . . wait for Santa to come . . . if you know what I mean."

Kate's hand shot out. Castle somehow managed to dodge this time. She still hit him, but at least it wasn't in the same damned place.

_"Castle?"_ Lanie's voice was eerily calm now.

"Yeah?" He was too caught up to sense danger.

_"Imma smack you."_

Kate's palm connected with Castle's biceps. Again. _Ow. _

"On it, Lanie."

* * *

Castle leaned his head against the cool glass and tried to keep his eyes closed. At least his mother was on to something a little lower key. _Silent Night _in German.

It wasn't as soothing as it could have been. German was just not very soothing and Kate was already tense.

He didn't want her to be tense. He wanted her to be smiling and unexpectedly at his door and a little drunk. Or nefariously pretending to be drunk. Nefariously pretending was probably his favorite scenario. He was drunk enough for both of them. Or he had been. _Stupid shit getting real. _

He gave up on trying to keep his eyes closed and went back to staring at her. Upright neck, set jaw, eyes front. _Tense. _

He didn't blame her. The plan was risky, if awesome, and they were both going to owe Lanie until the end of time.

Actually, that really meant that _he _was going to owe Lanie, because that's how woman math worked. Castle didn't get it. Woman math in general, but this in particular.

Because really, it was _Ryan_ who should owe her, but that would never happen. He had that earnest, dapper little gent thing going for him. He hardly ever got blamed.

And Jenny? Forget it. Ferret sympathizer or no, no one _ever _blamed anyone that tiny and cute and _nice._

But why blame anyone? Lanie and Esposito—Esplanie, he loved that name. Almost as good as Caskett. Esplanie was inevitable anyway. So why not move up the timetable? Christmas was the time for that kind of thing. Surprise showings up and kissings by the tree and miracles. Magic.

It was an awesome plan and he was really just helping magic along. But no one was going to see it that way. It was all going to be blame and owing and woman math and he would get no credit at all.

Castle started as the car jerked to a stop. They were there already? How could they be there already? Esposito lived at the ass end of the universe. He blinked a little blearily. Either the ass end of the universe had picked up and moved to a slightly more convenient location or he might have nodded off in spite of the German.

"I don't like you going in there alone," Kate said stiffly.

"Have to," he said as he scrubbed his hands over his face. "Only thing that makes sense."

"None of this makes _sense_, Castle," she said through her teeth. "It's never going to work. Why would you hide my present—which doesn't even exist, by the way—at Ryan's apartment?"

Castle cringed. That whole "no presents" thing had gone so fucking wrong. He knew it would, but she'd been so weird and jumpy and insistent and . . . well, he'd sort that out later. Ferret-related issues first.

"Look," he said miserably. "It's guy logic. You're going to have to trust me that if anyone will follow guy logic, it's Esposito. It'll work, Kate."

He reached forward and squeezed her shoulder briefly. A little of the tension seeped out of her, just for a second, then his phone chimed and the knots all came popping back one by one.

The text was from Lanie, right on schedule, letting them know that the bird was in the hole. _Um. . . . _

That she was in . . . _Um. . . . _

"She's there," Castle stammered. He waited a count of thirty. He waited somewhere in the neighborhood of a count of thirty. Thirty had never seemed so far from one before now. But anyway, that's how long he waited, approximately, before he fired off a text to Esposito.

Kate suddenly cranked her spine around to face him. She was more than tense. She was worried. Really worried. "Take Alexis with you."

"What?" Alexis sounded alarmed.

"What?" So did Castle.

Martha broke off in mid-_nacht_. "Oh, yes, of course. Very wise, dear."

Castle exchanged puzzled frowns with his daughter. Oh, good. This wasn't about him being drunk. They really weren't making sense.

"What? Wise? How wise?" He looked from from his mother to his girlfriend and back again, but they were just nodding sagely at each other, and he did not like that one bit. It looked like more woman math.

"Esposito won't shoot you in front of your kid, Castle." Kate chewed her lip. "It's less _likely _he'll shoot you in front of your kid."

"Shoot me?" Castle's voice shot up. "Javier wouldn't shoot . . . Lanie won't let . . . Oh my God, he's going to shoot me. Alexis, you have to come with me."

"Dr. Parish is . . . is my _boss_," Alexis looked from Kate to her grandmother, but their minds were made up.

"Oh, Alexis, darling, you won't even have to see her. She'll be in the bedroom in something devastating," Martha smiled to herself.

"_Gram!" _Alexis paled.

Martha was oblivious. "Detective Esposito will be _dying _to get rid of the both of you!"

"This is _so wrong._" Alexis banged her forehead against the steering wheel.

"I know," Castle said soothingly. At least he hoped it sounded soothing. But with the German and the sudden fear of bleeding out in Esposito's hallway on Christmas Eve, he had no idea if he was within a city block soothing. "It's all totally wrong, but it's ferret related and I don't want to get shot on Christmas Eve!"

Ok, so that wasn't soothing at all.

* * *

They had parked the car around the corner and left Kate and his mother in it with the heat running. Castle thought it was stupid, he and Alexis wading through the slush like that. Even Esposito wasn't paranoid enough to be peeping out the window to check their story when he had a half-naked Lanie in his apartment. _Probably. _Probably Esposito wasn't paranoid enough.

Kate had kissed him. In front of his mother and his kid. And not just a little Merry- Christmas-I-am-taking-a-giant-emotional-leap-here-because-I-_like_-like-you-and-maybe-even-that-other-_L_-thing peck by the tree. She kissed him _hard_. And if that didn't say "We who are about to die salute you," Castle didn't know what did.

He was nervous. And Alexis was horrified and nervous. Not that he blamed her, but it wasn't helping.

"Look, I'm sorry, sweetie . . ."

"Dad, can we just . . . not talk. I get it. You're drunk. Detective Esposito will realize that you wouldn't have driven yourself here and we can't risk him getting suspicious, so can we please just get this over with, hopefully without me having to think any harder than I already have that my boss on a booty call that _you_ set up?"

_Whoa. _That was, like, a really long, complicated expository sentence. And not a happy one. There was no happy there. She was definitely not having a good time.

"You're not having a good time." He sounded pathetic and he knew it.

He _was_ pathetic. He was letting everyone down. He'd made Kate drop the key and Jenny and Ryan were still waiting. He was making Lanie donate her body to the cause and no matter how willing a donor she might be, didn't that kind of make him a pimp? Worst of all, he was using his own kid as a meat shield against a grown man with special forces training and a ferret phobia. He sucked.

"Dad . . ." Alexis sighed heavily and gave him a lopsided grin. "No, I'm not having a good time. No one is having a good time right now."

"Except your grandmother." Castle scuffed his toe on the sidewalk.

"Except Gram," she laughed. "But it's not your fault. And I _was _having a good time. We were all having a good time, and now it's just . . ."

"Ferret related." He spit the words out.

"Ferret related," she agreed. She hooked her elbow through his. "Aren't you supposed to send another text?"

"Oh, right." Castle fumbled his phone from his pocket. It was time to escalate to all caps.

* * *

"Castle if I had the time I would rip your balls off and feed them to . . . oh . . . Oh, _hey _Alexis! Um. Merry Christmas?"

"Merry Christmas, Detective!" Alexis gave him a shy wave.

Castle could see Esposito tamp down at least 30% of his murderous rage. Maybe 40%. His kid was _awesome. _

Esposito finished pulling his shirt on and scooted into the hallway, closing the apartment door behind him. He tried to look casual as he leaned against it. "Castle, you know it's _not _a good time. So maybe whatever you need can _wait?_"

"I'm sorry, Javier!" Castle said quickly. "I really wouldn't have bothered you, but it's an emergency!"

"You couldn't call?"

"We did. Texted, I mean," Alexis chimed in. "Dad's . . . um . . . well, Gram's glögg didn't go quite right. But I made him text you all the way here. We're really sorry."

Esposito's lips pulled back in something that was probably supposed to be a grin. It was terrifying. "That's so weird. I didn't hear my phone."

"That _is_ weird." Castle said heartily. Too heartily. He was overplaying it. Oh, _God_, he was overplaying it. "So anyway. I need the key to Ryan's apartment."

"You need _what _now?" Esposito shot a glance at Alexis. "Castle, don't even _think _about interrupting Ryan's Christmas . . . _plans_."

Castle frowned. Oh. _Oh. _Their_ plans. _Esposito wasn't up to speed. Of course. That was the whole point.

"Um . . . those _plans_ changed, so it's not a problem. I just need the key and we'll leave you alone."

"_Those _plans changed?"

"Totally," Castle nodded vigorously. "Totally changed. They're out. The Ryans are out on the town. They . . ."

"Went to a movie," Alexis supplied.

"They canceled their _plans_ so they could go to a movie?"

_Shit_. This was all going to hell in a hand basket. Castle took a surreptitious sideways peek around Esposito's back. It didn't _look _like he was carrying.

"Yes . . . a _movie_. Beckett and I were just telling Alexis that Ryan decided that he and Jenny should go to a _movie _and then spend the night in a really nice hotel downtown. You know? A _nice _hotel. After the movie. Special. Special movie night." He was babbling. Castle knew he was babbling but he couldn't stop.

"You and Beckett?" Esposito's eyes narrowed. "Isn't she working?"

"She got someone to cover," Alexis said quickly. "So she could be with us. With my dad. It was totally romantic. And really fun. Except there was the glögg and then Detective Beckett found out my dad didn't get her a present, and with the glögg . . ."

She was babbling, too, but it was working for her. Esposito's eyes were glazing over and Castle was almost certain he was no longer thinking about going for whatever might or might not be in the ankle holster he might or might not be wearing.

"I did get her a present!" Castle broke in.

"You did?" Esposito looked bewildered. Bewildered was way better than homicidal. Castle was totally going to buy Alexis a pony if they got out of this alive. "I thought you didn't? Didn't Beckett say no presents?"

"She said no presents." Castle shrugged. "Woman math."

Alexis glared at him and he mouthed a silent apology. She folded her arms and turned her back on both of them.

"Woman math. You don't have to tell me, bro. You wouldn't believe what La . . ." Esposito suddenly broke off as he remembered Alexis was there. _Definitely a pony. _

"So that's why I need the key." Castle seized the moment. "Because that's where I hid it. The present."

"At Ryan's?"

"Yep. At Ryan's. Because Beckett was all snooping around the loft."

"For a present she didn't think you'd gotten her . . ."

"Woman math!" Castle let out a laugh that was way too hearty. Bowl full of jelly hearty. What was _wrong_ with him? Other than the glögg and the possibility of nefariousness and the fact that this was all ferret related.

Castle was just on the verge of something desperate. Or stupid. Or desperately stupid when a noise sounded from inside Esposito's apartment. The color drained from the detective's face as the doorknob behind him started to turn.

"Javi? What the heck are you . . . Castle, what the hell are you doing here?" Lanie glared daggers at him through the minute space between the door and the frame.

Esposito shoved his nose through the crack and hissed, "I am so, _so_ sorry. This will just take . . . I just . . . . " He whirled back to face Castle.

Lanie took the opportunity to see if she could set Castle on fire with her sizzling laser eye beams.

Castle instinctively backed up a step. "Oh . . . _oh!_ I am _so _sorry. Esposito, just . . . that key and we are, like _out _of here. _So _sorry. Sorry, Lanie," he added in a stage whisper.

"Yeah, let me get that _right now_," Esposito backed through the door. "You stay here."

Castle and Alexis barely had time to exchange hopeful looks before Esposito was back and depositing the key in Castle's palm.

Castle crowded the doorway and made noises of profuse thanks. Just to solidify the

idea that Esposito was the one getting rid of_ them. _That they were definitely _not_ fleeing.

It worked. _Thank God, it worked. _

Esposito hustled back inside, slamming the door behind him, and they were scampering down the hall.

Castle was giddy with relief. "Oh, Lanie! God bless Lanie."

"God bless, _me_," Alexis slapped his arm. In the spot. In the same damned spot. _Ow_. "I texted her as soon as I realized you were blowing it."

"I wasn't _blowing_ it," Castle sniffed. He crumbled a second later. "Ok, I was totally blowing it and you are the best daughter ever and I am buying you a pony."

"Dad, I'm 19!"

"Are you saying you don't want a pony?"

She thought about it a minute. "I don't _not _want a pony."

Castle smiled at her. "Ferret first, pony later."

* * *

Esposito lay in the dark listening to Lanie's steady, even breathing. A patch of ceiling turned from blue to red to green to gold, courtesy of the chaser lights strung along the balcony across the way.

He eased his arm out from under her. Lanie's face screwed up in an exaggerated frown. He couldn't help grinning down at her as she batted at him in her sleep. He'd missed this. He'd missed her and wanted to fall asleep next to her for the first time in a long time.

But that wasn't going to happen. No sleep for him tonight. Something was up.

He hadn't turned off his phone. He _never _turned off his phone. Never forgot to charge it and never turned it off.

Lanie must have done it. She must have switched it off so that he'd conveniently find the texts from Castle after the fact. Corroboration.

She was in on it. Whatever was up. Whatever Castle was up to, she was in on it. They all were. Castle, Lanie, even the kid. Probably Beckett, too. They were all in on it.

Esposito swung his feet to the floor and carefully transferred his weight off the mattress. Lanie flopped toward him. He grimaced as she scowled and groped around his now-empty side of the bed.

_Shit. _She was a cuddler. An _aggressive _cuddler who did _not_ like to be woken up by the fact that he was not complying with the cuddling. He had to think fast. He had to take a risk.

He leaned over the bed and snagged the corner of his own pillow. At the same moment, her hand flailed wildly in his direction. He held the pillow up like a shield. Lanie grunted as her fingers made contact. Her fist closed around the corner of the pillow case and she yanked it toward her, nearly pulling him off balance.

Esposito swayed on his feet. He held his breath as her body jerked from side to side, wrestling with the pillow. She growled and wrapped both arms around it.

She _growled_—he'd forgotten that. Oh, yeah, he'd forgotten that . . . He watched, transfixed, as she drew one knee up. The sheet slid from her thigh and suddenly the fact that she was in on it, whatever it was, seemed a lot less important.

He took a step toward the bed. It was just a Castle plan. Some kind of crazy Castle plan, but it didn't matter. Castle or no Castle, she wouldn't have come here if she hadn't wanted to. If she hadn't realized that she didn't want to end the year alone any more than he did.

He slid a knee on to the edge of the bed.

"Javi . . ." It was barely a whisper.

"I'm here,_ chica_." He leaned over her as he eased more of his weight back on to the mattress. It didn't matter. Whatever it was, it didn't matter . . .

"Shhhh . . . it's ok Javi," she murmured.

"Yeah. It's ok. It's all ok." He lifted the sheet carefully and swung one leg underneath.

"I won't let him get you." The whisper turned fierce. "I won't let that thing get you."

Esposito went still. He could feel every beat of his heart. Every pulse of blood. Every nerve ending. A sudden chill crept over his skin. "Thing?"

"The ferret. The ferret, Javi. I won't let him get you."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Again, thank you for following me down this ridiculous path and being so nice about it with your reads and reviews and encouragement. More grateful than I can say. I'd be lying if there wasn't some cackling here. Espo is off the reservation.

* * *

The plan was they'd all go in this time. Castle was sticking to his back-up-critical-in-all-things-ferret-related argument, and Kate had countered with something about Alexis proving herself to be an invaluable distraction and not leaving his mother alone in the car on Christmas Eve.

Castle hated the plan. There was absolutely no room for a quickie in the plan.

Alexis and his mother were further up the block, their heads bent toward one another as they struggled side-by-side along the narrow path someone had cleared down the length of the sidewalk. Alexis was doing most of the heavy lifting to keep the two of them upright and more or less moving in a straight line. She sang along quietly with her grandmother—a compromise to keep her from waking the entire neighborhood with her solo version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."

Castle trudged behind Beckett. He scowled miserably at the stiff, upright line of her back as she moved briskly and efficiently toward Ryan's apartment building. Really briskly. He was falling behind again. He broke into a trot. He'd only gone a few steps when his foot came down hard in a slushy puddle with a frozen bottom. He skidded wildly, banging his sore arm against a No Parking sign.

"Whoa!" He clung to the pole and tried to regain his balance.

"Keep up, Castle." Kate didn't bother to turn around.

Obviously she didn't bother. No one cared if _he _remained upright. No one cared if he was having trouble with straight lines. Not his kid. Not his girlfriend. Not his mother. Well, maybe his mother, for all the good that would do either of them.

_No. _None of them cared. There'd be no arm-in-arm harmonies for him. Not that he could sing harmony. But maybe Kate could. She probably could.

"Hey, can you sing harmony?" He jogged to catch up, his near-fall already forgotten in his eagerness to learn something new about her.

"What?"

"Can you sing harmony?" he repeated. "You probably can. You're probably great at it. You're great at everything. Is there anything you're not great at?"

"Castle." She did turn around this time. She turned around and her jabbing finger was on the job. It caught him solidly in the ribs. _Ow. _At least she was giving his arm a break. "Focus!"

"Sorry. Sorry," he mumbled and ducked his head. He looked up to apologize again and suddenly got a look at her. A good look. The color was high in her cheeks. Her eyes were wide and sparkling and, yeah, there was a whole lot of pissed off behind that. But that wasn't all.

"You're having _fun_!" He jabbed her. He couldn't help it. She was going to deny it. She was sputtering already, but he knew—he _knew_—he was right. It demanded jabbing, even if jabbing got him killed. Which it might. Because he'd totally just jabbed her in the boob.

"What is_ wrong_ with you?_" _She slapped his hand away.

Castle ignored the question. They didn't have that kind of time and anyway, he'd pretty much just gotten away with a boob jab, so he was feeling reckless.

He looked left, then right. He grabbed her by the lapels and pulled her into a miraculously nearby doorway.

"You, Kate Beckett, are _enjoying _this." He said roughly as he backed her up against the the brick. "Don't deny it. I know your enjoying face!"

Kate brought her forearms up between them and broke his hold on her coat. "What are you _talking _about? I am wandering the streets of New York on Christmas Eve with you and your family, looking for a _ferret._ I asked my best friend to . . ."

"Don't say prostitute herself!" he pleaded.

"I was going to say 'lie to another friend,' but now that you mention it . . ."

"Please don't mention it!" Castle winced. "I'm having pimp issues and . . . that . . . that is _not_ the point because _you _are having_ fun._"

He kissed her before she could protest again. He loved that he could do that. He loved that he could just _do _that now.

And if he'd had any doubt before—any doubt at all that she was having fun—it was gone. Because that was her enjoying face. And her enjoying tongue and teeth and _whoa . . _. _hands! Cold, cold enjoying hands and unnnnnnfff. _

"Castle, what the_ hell," _she broke away and stiff-armed him.

"No, _you_ what the hell!" He shot back. Because, really, what the hell? He wasn't the one with his hands up her shirt. Which was kind of an oversight, now that he thought about it. He leaned toward her, but she ducked away and retreated to the opposite side of the doorway. "Just admit it. Admit you're having fun!"

"Castle I am not . . . ." Her shoulders sagged suddenly. "I'm having . . . a little fun."

"Ha!" He pulled her to him and kissed her nose. "_HA! _Fun-haver!"

She shoved him away again, but she was smiling now. "Castle, I meant it. What I said. I want to make new traditions, but . . ."

He brushed her hair back from her cheek and tipped her face up. "But figgy pudding isn't really your speed."

"It's not even that." She toyed with the the buttons on his jacket and didn't quite meet his eyes. "Your place looks beautiful and I missed that. I didn't even realize it until I was there and everything was all lit up. I've missed all that. And I was having a good time, Castle. A really good time. But this . . . everything's crazy but this . . ."

"Mayhem. Intrigue. Nefariousness." He dipped his head and pressed a smile and a kiss against to the blossom of color on each of her cheeks. "This feels like us."

"Yeah. This feels like us." She returned the kiss and flashed a dazzling smile that faded just as quickly. "Except for the ferret."

"The ferret is not us," Castle agreed as he drew her arm through his.

They hurried along the narrow path, side by side.

* * *

Esposito dressed quickly and silently in the corner of the bedroom, keeping clear of anywhere the light touched. Bit by bit, he joined the shadows as he covered his body with the pitch black fabric. His armor.

He tugged insistently at the fasteners at his wrists and ankles, double checking—triple checking—to ensure they fit snugly against his skin and moved with his joints. No gaps. No exposed skin. _Dear God, no exposed skin. _

Patting the pockets at his waist he found the flat case and worked the lid off soundlessly. He tested each square of pigment with a fingertip. Thankfully, they were all still soft and usable, even after such a long time.

Muscle memory guided him through process. A dab of green here, a strong line of brown, grey at the edges. He hardly needed the mirror to tell him he'd done well. His features were broken up by the paint, patternless, irregular, and unrecognizable as a face.

He crossed the room carefully, pivoting around the corner of the bed. He bent his knees to spread his weight evenly across the squeaky floorboard. He paused in the doorway to the bedroom.

He stood a moment. Watching. Lanie slept on, content with her iron grip on his pillow.

He thought about crossing the patch of shifting light to smooth her hair back once more—to steal a final kiss—but he wouldn't risk it. Let her sleep. Let her dream that she'd saved him.

He eased the bedroom door shut and made his way through the darkened apartment by instinct. He ducked around the entertainment center and braced a hip against the heavy recliner. As quietly as he could, he levered it away from the wall until he had enough room to crouch behind it.

With sure fingers, he found the seam in the wall, invisible even in full light. He pressed the corners in familiar sequence and waited for the give of the panel under his palm. Setting the panel aside, he reached in withdrew the heavy lock box. He thumbed the combination and cupped his palm over the lock to muffle the click of the latch as it released.

The lid squealed as he lifted it. Esposito froze. He forced himself to count his heartbeats. Stillness prevailed.

He reached inside and withdrew a long, flat wooden box and a vial not quite filled with clear liquid. The box slid open easily in his fingers to reveal a stainless steel syringe. He carefully worked the syringe free of its housing and plunged the needle through the vial's rubber top.

He drew the liquid up, watching with satisfaction as it climbed the column visible through through the clear window in the syringe's barrel. He tapped the sidewall with a fingernail, grinning as a bubble sped to the top of the column of liquid and burst.

He savored the heft of the full syringe a minute before securing it through the custom loops running along his left forearm. He paused in the act of setting the lock box to rights, the vial in his hand. After a moment's thought, he pocketed that, too. He worked the fastener a few times, getting a feel for it and experimenting to determine how quickly he could get at the if he needed to reload.

He didn't plan on needing it.

* * *

Jenny—Castle had to believe it was Jenny; there was no way he would ever be able to look Ryan in the eye again otherwise—_Jenny _had gone all out in decking the halls for their Christmas Eve baby-making session.

It was a chamber of horrors. Everyone could agree on that. Everyone except maybe his mother. His mother was flitting about, wondering aloud—distressingly aloud—about the mechanics of the "conception wedge" and pronouncing it a lovely shade of holly berry red. It was a Christmas-themed conception wedge. _Dear_ God.

"In Xanadu did Mrs. Claus a merry pleasure dome . . . Hey, that scans." Castle looked pleased with himself.

Kate looked . . . less so.

"It's like . . . an elf harem," she grumbled as she fought her way free of a swag of gauzy green fabric shot through with silver.

It was everywhere. Waves of green and red undulated across the ceiling, studded with clusters of plastic greenery and berries; falls of the same fabric were draped over picture frames and mirrors and floor lamps. Those were starting to smolder, judging from the smell of it. The floor and furniture were littered with silky, festively bedazzled pillows.

The tree was decorated entirely in babies. Dozens of babies: Delicate silver filigree, blocky pressed tin, felt, ceramic. Castle was pretty sure he saw a macaroni art baby near the top, but he couldn't bear to check.

And it wasn't just the tree. There were babies everywhere. _Everywhere_. Garlands of them. Mobiles. The table tops were scattered with tiny baby silhouettes punched out of some kind of stiff, foiled paper.

"These are Valentine's Day decorations!" Alexis studied a medallion dangling from the ceiling. "Someone cut off their bows and arrows and taped back their little wings!"

"Valentine's Day was 10 months ago! That is like . . . supervillain levels of planning." Castle tapped a string of three and watched, fascinated, as they spun in the hazy lamp light. Their disturbing little diapers were painted—hand painted, if he weren't mistaken—in bright holiday colors. "Ryan never stood a chance."

"The decor is the least of our problems. Doesn't help, though." Kate ran a hand through her hair as she surveyed the space. "It could be anywhere. The damned thing could be anywhere."

"Oh, God." Castle hunched his shoulders, trying to make himself small as his eyes darted from the fabric-draped ceiling to the heaps of pillows he now couldn't but think of as ferret forts. "You're right. There's like a jillion places for it to hide. It's a ferret funhouse!"

"Oh, dear . . ." The thought even seemed to take a little of the wind out of his mother's sails. She gingerly picked up one foot, then the other as if she expected to find the ferret plastered to the underside of her shoes.

_No such luck_, thought Castle glumly.

"So we clear the place. A grid system. We'll start with the bathroom, so we can shove everything out of the way in there," Kate said, firmly. "All the pillows off the floor. Strip the ceiling."

Alexis nodded and set to work clearing fabric from the lamps and flat surfaces. His mother carried on as she had been, picking up oddly shaped, unsettling things and speculating what role they might have been destined to play in Ryan and Jenny's _soirée de création._

"Be careful," Castle warned. He batted at a length of material to make sure it was 100% ferret-free before reaching up to untack it from the molding. "He's a climber. And a tool user."

"Tool user?" Alexis paled.

"Castle . . ." Kate sidestepped to elbow him, but he was on the move.

"Totally. You know the scar under Ryan's ear?" He sounded excited. Oblivious.

"Oh, _yes!"_ His mother gave a low whistle. "Devastating. Gives him just that hint of danger."

Castle's eyes widened as he leaned in over her shoulder. "Paperclip nunchuck."

Alexis gasped and dropped a pack of ornament hooks she'd picked up. She clutched her grandmother's hands as they both looked around nervously.

"_Castle!_" Kate grabbed his elbow and marched him down the hall toward the bathroom. "You're scaring them."

"I'm _preparing _them," he argued. "This is _war, _Beckett! And you weren't the one who was attacked mid-closet nookie!"

A wave of memory crashed into Kate. The scent of toner and coffee filters and that weird bathroom cleaner that smelled like St. Joseph's baby aspirin. And him. The smell of _him. _The feel of him pressed against her in the close confines of the precinct supply closet. She flushed and grabbed at a breath, trying to catch up with the sudden, runaway pounding in her chest.

Castle was there before she could. His hands were there. On her shoulders. In her hair. At her waist, pulling her through the doorway to the tiny bathroom.

"Not." He kissed her. "That it wasn't." He kissed her again. "Worth it."

And then he wasn't pulling anymore. Then she was pushing, and the backs of his thighs were hitting the vanity, and that was pretty convenient because she seemed to be looking for a lap to climb into. And it just so happened he _had _a lap if he could remember how hip joints and sitting worked.

_Bathroom quickie! Genius! _

"No, Castle," she whispered as her teeth gave his bottom lip a last, long tug. "No."

"No . . . it wasn't worth it?" He reached for her, but she ducked away.

"Oh, it was worth it." She smirked. He couldn't actually _see _her in the dark, but he _knew_ she was smirking and he'd show _her. _Just as soon as he could catch her, because again with the ninja cop shit and did the Academy teach evasive maneuvers in bathrooms the size of postage stamps or _what? _

"No to the other thing." She brushed by his knee

"What other thing?" He closed his eyes and grabbed at her. Something—the patron saint of the still-pretty-drunk, the Force, _something_—guided his hands directly to her belt loops. _Ha! _He dipped his head and kissed her collar bone, letting his stubbled cheek drag over her throat.

The left side. Something about the left side of her neck drove her absolutely crazy and he was not above using this carefully gathered esoteric knowledge to achieve Bathroom Quickie. "What other thing, Kate?"

"The other thing . . ." she whimpered.

Just a little, but still a whimper. _Yes! _He grinned triumphantly.

That was a mistake. Because she knew. Immediately. Of _course_ she knew.

"That other thing, Castle . . ." She wasn't whimpering now. She was using that _I-will-reduce-you-to-a-quivering-heap-of-former-man-and-you-will-thank-me-for-it-later _voice. And not in a good way. "That other thing where we _don't_ do any more damage to your daughter's budding sexuality than this place already has."

"My . . ." He shot upright. "My daughter's . . . Oh that is _mean_. Kate Beckett, you are _mean._"

She laughed. Because she was mean, she laughed. But then she had him by the shirt front against the back wall of the bathroom door and that was a little less mean.

She kissed him. A long, lingering thing, and the jury was still out on whether not that was mean because she was backing away a second later, and he wasn't _finished. _

"Clear the bathroom, Castle. I'll be peeling your family off the . . ."

He couldn't tell which came first, the shriek or the thud or the war cry. _War cry? _

Kate was through the door and down the hall before any of them faded away. He hustled clumsily after her, batting at fabric and baby mobiles as he went.

His mother was standing on the coffee table, babbling and gesturing wildly with a forest green bolster pillow.

"It had a _hat!_ A Santa hat! With a little bell!"

Alexis stood between her grandmother and the now wide-open door, her arms spread protectively. Because she was awesome. His kid was awesome and he had to remember to figure out how to get a pony overnighted to Manhattan on Christmas Eve.

Castle stumbled over to them, his foot tangling in a discarded pile of fabric. He grabbed his daughter's shoulders and shouted over his mother's escalating cries to ask if she was ok.

Alexis nodded and said something. She was pale, shaken, but her voice was steady.

At least Castle assumed it was steady. With Kate suddenly joining in, he couldn't really tell.

Kate. _Shit. _That was Kate's _talking-the-bad-guy-off-the-ledge-or-shooting-him-if-that-was-easier_ voice. And there was a man's voice, too. A scary man's voice.

Castle whipped around, pushing Alexis behind him, further from the open door. His jaw dropped as he looked into a pair of eyes he'd hoped never to see again. _War Cry. Shit. _

"Where is he?" Esposito's tone was flatly terrifying. "Where is the furry bastard and _what did he do to my partner?" _


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Again, a thousand mustelidish kisses to all of you who are cackling along with me. Or at least tolerating the cackling. Um . . . I think this'll be six chapters, but still all done before Christmas. Thank you again for the reads and reviews and kindness.

* * *

The apartment didn't explode. It didn't erupt. If it had, there would have been bits of baby and holly berry red conception wedge everywhere. It just _seemed_ like an explosion.

Something—a sudden move in the shadows, a primal wail of fear from his mother—had completely undone any progress that Alexis's steadiness and Kate's bad-assery might have made. With no warning at all, Esposito was charging through the apartment, swinging the world's biggest, brightest flashlight from side to side, chanting incomprehensible threats. It was like the bastard love-child of Walter Kurtz and Rainman had arrived and dialed the situation up to eleven.

Martha shouted a temporo-spatially implausible sequence of ferret sightings after him from atop her coffee-table pedestal. "And be careful, Detective! I think he's armed!"

Alexis's brave face finally gave out. A single tear ran down her cheek as drew a shuddering breath, "This shouldn't be happening. They're so h-h-happy about starting their f-f-f-family. And it's Christmas and that ferret is all slinky and beady-eyed and! This shouldn't be happening!"

That was it for Castle. That was just _it. _He turned to Kate with a determined look on his face_. _"Can you shoot him?"

"We have to _find_ him first." She threw up her hands in exasperation.

Castle gave gave her a look that he'd almost certainly regret later. A look that suggested she'd come down with a serious case of the stupids. "He's down the hall. And I think he's winding up for another war cry."

"You want me to shoot _Esposito?!"_

He gave her the look again. He couldn't help it. "He is _clearly_ out of control, Beckett. And he made my kid cry on _Christmas!"_

"I don't want anyone to shoot anyone!" Alexis blubbered.

Kate opened her mouth to protest, but apparently Esposito _had _been locking and loading another war cry. The molding shook and the baby garlands danced crazily. Waves of fabric rippled. Fake holly and ivy rained down.

"Weapons! We're taking fire!" Martha shrieked.

"I . . . probably shouldn't shoot him," Kate said lamely. "Lanie will have my ass."

"She already has mine," Castle shot back. He waved off her confused-cum-aggravated look. "Don't think I don't know about woman math!"

And _that _was it for Kate. He didn't even see her move. It was all a blur and then a flurry of jabs landing with pinpoint precision. Seriously, that spot had to be the size of a dime and she found it. Every. Single Time. What were they _teaching_ them at the Academy?

"Just _shut up_, Castle. I am not shooting Espo. We are going to find that ferret and we are going to get this situation UNDER CONTROL RIGHT N . . ."

Kate's volume had been steadily notching up along with everyone else's. A knock—a really angry-sounding knock—cut through it all. Silence fell for approximately three seconds. The four of them stared at each other. Time slowed to a crawl.

Somewhere in the distance, a muffled jingle sounded.

"It's him," Martha gasped. She raised the bolster like a club. "It's him and his wicked little bell."

Castle's phone chimed. He looked down at the screen, wide eyed, then back up at Kate.

"Lanie," he breathed.

The knock sounded again. Louder this time. Angrier.

Kate snapped into action.

"It's the landlord. It has to be. Alexis, I need you to deal with Esposito. The bell was coming from over there." She gestured off to the right.

"The kitchen. The ferret's den," Castle murmured. "Makes sense."

Kate nodded. "So we put as much space between Espo and the target as possible. Alexis head for the bedroom. Keep him there and do your best to keep him calm."

"Right." Alexis wiped her tears, straightened her spine, and started for the hallway.

"The bedroom!" Castle darted to block her path. "Kate, you can't send her into the _bedroom._"

"Dad!" Alexis rounded on him, hands on her hips. "Again: I'm nineteen!"

"Yes," he hissed. "You're nineteen and some small, distant part of me wants you to have a rich, rewarding sex life someday. Someday! And I do _not_ need to know about it. Ever. But I want that for you. Sort of. Look around you, Alexis! Look at all of _this!_ Can you _imagine _what the bedroom is like? You'll be in therapy until you're sixty!"

"I'll be fine." She took him by the elbows and moved him aside with a reassuring pat on the arm. Well, she probably _meant_ to be a reassuring pat, but . . . _Ow._ She squared her shoulders and turned back to Kate. "I won't let you down, Detective."

"I know you won't, Alexis." Kate said quietly.

Castle went still. _Oh_. That was a moment. His kid and his girlfriend. Everything was falling apart and they had totally just had a moment.

His phone chimed again. It sounded even angrier than the knock. And speaking of the knock . . . there it was again. He heard keys jingling in the hallway. It probably _was_ the landlord. It had to be the damned landlord, and this was all about to get exponentially worse.

But Castle didn't care. He didn't care about landlords or tiny phone Lanies or conception wedges or even ferrets. He didn't care about any of it.

Because they'd had a moment.

He thought he might cry. And it wasn't just the glögg talking. He rushed toward Kate and wrapped his arms around her.

"I love you, Kate Beckett," he said quietly in her ear. "I love you."

Kate blinked up at him for half a second, then kissed him. Hard.

"I . . . ." She kissed him again. Harder. "Me, too, Castle. Me, too. Now go deal with Lanie. I've got a landlord to wrangle."

Kate pushed him away and strode into the living room.

"Martha, get down from there," she said sharply. "I'm going to need you for this."

Castle watched her go. Slack-jawed and helpless and . . . _her, too?_ He watched her go.

"Lanie." He repeated it a couple of times. He knew that name, didn't he? He was pretty sure he did. The phone buzzed in his hand, scaring the crap out of him.

_Oh,_ _shit. _Tiny phone Lanie. Castle peered around the wall into the living room.

Kate was in the doorway, shoulder to shoulder with his mother. No one—neither man nor beast—was getting through _that _door.

Through the bare amount space between them Castle caught a glimpse of a scowl, a mostly bald head, and a truly dire Christmas cardigan. Holiday cardigan. _Whatever. _It had moose. Or possibly children. Or snowmen frolicking on a field of menorahs? Geese were not entirely out of the question.

_Definitely the evil landlord, _Castle thought.

Definitely evil, but he didn't stand a chance. He felt a knot of pride catch the underside of his ribs, because _no one_ stood a chance against the two of them.

She was flirting. His mother, not Kate.

_Although . . ._ Castle listened a moment.

Kate was _kind of_ flirting. She was doing that unfriendly, fast-talking noir dame thing. For her, that was flirting. And, come on. Desperate times and all that, but _come on_.

His phone buzzed again. _Shit. _Lanie. Lanie would never, ever stop calling. And he didn't need the woman math getting any more complicated tonight. And the fact that Kate was flirting—_flirting_—with the evil landlord didn't figure into woman math.

He cast a final glance toward the door, and . . . oh. _Oh. _

She had stepped back. Kate had stepped back. She was on hand. Ready. But she was letting his mother work and . . . well, _good_. Because she wasn't exactly big on delegating, let alone delegating to his mother.

And that was _good. _Because that noir dame thing was _their _thing, and she shouldn't be using on anyone else. Especially not anyone in that cardigan. And . . . because . . . _her, too_.

And that meant. Oh, _wow_. He knew already. At least he was pretty sure. For a while, he'd been pretty sure, and he didn't care whether she said it or not. Not really. Except that he _totally _cared, and . . . _her, too_.

He thought about snatching her up and barricading the two of them in the kitchen for a lot more than a really quick quickie, because there'd been a moment with his kid and now she was stepping back and taking his mother's lead and not doing every damned thing her own damned self and . . . _her, too. _

Yeah. Snatching her up. Barricading. More than a quickie. That could totally be a plan. A good plan. She'd kill him, of course, but she'd wait until after. And that would _totally_ be worth it.

Castle scowled down at the phone as it buzzed yet again. _Lanie._ Lanie had no respect for the moment. Or the plan. None of them did. Not Lanie, not the landlord, not his mother.

Definitely not his mother. She was enjoying herself a little too much.

"Not a _baby _shower!" Martha gave a glittering laugh. One hand fluttered gaily. The other traced one of several billion patterns on the sleeve of the cardigan. _Ew. _"A . . . fertility gathering."

The landlord muttered something Castle couldn't hear.

His mother's voice dropped low. "They're having _issues,_ you know. Probably the detective's little swimmers. Oh, _bless_. But it has to be him, because let me tell you something: That Jenny looks tiny, but she has the hips of an Irish washerwoman!"

Castle could have gone a lifetime without thinking about Ryan's swimmers. Or Jenny's hips. Or any of this. The moment was definitely over.

The phone buzzed again.

Ok. _Ok. _ They had the landlord situation well in hand. It was up to him to deal with Lanie.

He tiptoed down the hall to the bathroom and slipped inside. He flicked on the light.

Rubber duckies. Babies riding rubber duckies. With little saddles and reins. Everywhere. And the bathtub. There was some kind of contraption in the bathtub. He had no idea if you were supposed to sit on it or . . . and there were straps and hand grips and . . . _Oh, God. _

He flicked the light off again and swiped a thumb over his phone.

Lanie didn't wait for him to say hello.

"_What the hell is wrong with you all? I have been losing my mind and you can't pick up the damned phone? Kate can't pick up the damned phone? _

"It's in arborio. Her phone is in arborio," Castle said loudly. Too loudly. He hand't meant to be loud. He didn't think he _was_ being loud, but it _sounded_ loud bouncing all around the tiny bathroom. He suddenly wondered if he and Kate had sounded this loud. Because loud was kind of Kate's default mode—not that he was complaining. And that would have been extra loud in here and his mother and Alexis must have . . . they had to have . . . _whoa. _

He really had to get on that pony thing, because all the money in all the therapy jars in all the world were not going to fix this night. His kid's psyche was undoubtedly scarred for life, and he hadn't even _gotten _a quickie and now Operation Snatch and Barricade was dead in the water and how was any of this fair?

"_Arborio?" _

He startled. _Oh. _Tiny phone Lanie. Right.

"Rice. Italian rice. For making risotto. There was . . . an incident. With Kate's phone. There was a cookie gun and glögg and mistakes were made. But I don't think it's going to work. The arborio. Too starchy. So go ahead and add a phone into your woman math," Castle grumbled.

"_I know what arb . . . never _mind," Lanie hissed. _"Castle, Javier is _gone. _Which you'd know if either of you had picked up the damned phone!" _

"Oh, I know, Lanie. We all _know!" _Castle hissed right back at her.

"_You know? You _know? _Oh my God._ _He's there, isn't he? He's there." _Her voice cracked. _"Is he ok?"_

_Oh. Oh, shit. _She was worried. Of course she was worried. She's woken up—alone— her mentally fragile not-boyfriend nowhere to be found and the situation was ferret related and _of course_ she was worried. Castle felt like a pimp _and_ an asshole. He was getting really tired of that feeling.

"He's . . . we've got it under control," he said gently. "He's in the bedroom with Alexis."

"_He's _what?"

Castle winced and pulled the phone away from his ear. Why so _loud,_ tiny phone Lanie? He processed the words a second later. He almost dropped the phone in the toilet.

"No! Not like that . . . _Oh, God_. I didn't even think of it like _that_ and it was bad enough before!"

"_Castle. You tell me what the _hell_ is going on over there right now or I will kill every last one of you and they will never, _ever_ find the bodies." _

Her voice was calm. Dead calm. Castle found himself missing Esposito and his war cry. _Oh, hey!_ No war cry for a while. That was good, right?

"Lanie . . . Esposito is . . . understandably upset. But it's _fine_. Beckett and my mother are handling the landlord and Alexis is dealing with Esposito and there hasn't been a war cry in like 5 minutes."

Castle winced the second it was out of his mouth. He'd meant to give her some good news. He didn't want her to be worried. Or feel like she'd sold herself for nothing. Because she _hadn't_ sold herself and he hadn't made her, because he was _not_ a pimp and anyway, they were on the job. All of them. And they were a great team. Alexis was stepping up and Kate was letting his mother do her thing, and they were an _awesome_ team and . . . _Shit. _

"_War cry?" _Lanie choked. _"Castle, is he . . . he's not. Oh my God, he went full on Rambo didn't he?" _

"He's . . . a little over-prepared, but it's ferret-related, Lanie! And like I said, it's been totally quiet on that front for a while. That's a good sign . . ." He trailed off.

"_Or a really bad one." _

"Or a really, _really _bad one. I'm . . . I'm going to go check on them," Castle said quickly. "I'll call you . . ."

"_Richard Castle, if you hang up on me, I will mount your head on my wall as a warning to anyone else who might be thinking about _Pissing. Me. Off."

"Fine!" he snapped. He shoved the phone into his shirt pocked, speaker out. He wagged a finger at it. Tried to wag a finger at it. It was surprisingly difficult to wag a finger at your own breast pocket. People did't think about that until they were the ones dealing with tiny phone Lanie. "_Fine!_ You stay there. And be _quiet!_"

Castle poked his head into the hallway and almost got run down by Kate. She was barreling toward the bedroom. He fell into step beside her.

"Landlord?" He gestured back down the hall.

"Your mother got him to take her down to his place for a drink."

Castle cringed. "My mother left—voluntarily—with that cardigan?"

"All for the cause, Castle." She gave him a tight smile. "She's good."

"_Who's good? Kate, is that you? Castle you hand that phone over right now." _

"Uh . . . Lanie wants to talk to you." He fished the phone out of his pocket and handed it to Kate.

"Call you back, Lanie." She brought her thumb down to end the call and handed the phone over.

"She . . . you . . . You hung up. On _Lanie." _He gaped. He didn't even know how to count that in woman math. "Well I hope you enjoyed my head while it lasted, Beckett."

Kate arched an eyebrow. Whatever snappy rejoinder she had planned was lost to the ages as ear-splitting scream sounded from the bedroom, followed by the sounds of a struggle and a plaster-jarring _thunk. _

Castle lurched forward, right into Kate. She hip checked him and pushed him behind her with an annoyed look as she threw open the door the bedroom. She rolled right and flattened herself against the wall. Castle tripped after her, clinging to the door frame.

Alexis turned to them, her hands raised in surrender. Something—a _syringe?_—dangled from the fingers of her left hand. All the color was gone from her face. She looked down at the floor in horror.

Castle followed his daughter's gaze helplessly. He didn't want to look. He had to look.

Esposito was sprawled on his face, one arm stretched above his head as though he'd been reaching for something when he fell.

"I didn't mean to," Alexis said woodenly. "I didn't _mean to." _

Somewhere nearby—all too nearby—a bell jingled.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Oh, dear. It got long. But I really think this is the penultimate chapter. Maybe an epilogue after the last? But we are closing in, friends. Your cackles and flails and helpless anaerobic laughter please me more than I can say. Thank you, thank you for riding the crazy train with me and this metabolically suspect ferret.

* * *

"Alexis, it's ok." Kate approached carefully, giving Esposito's body wide berth for the moment. She took the girl by the arm and eased the syringe from her hand. She held it up for Castle to see. The plunger was all the way down. _Empty_. Kate slipped it in her pocket and began slowly walking the perimeter of the room.

"Just tell us what happened, sweetie." Castle edged into the room, pulling the door closed behind him. He grabbed something from the floor nearby that he sincerely hoped was not lingerie. Or maybe he _did _hope it was lingerie, given the alternatives. Damned if he had any idea anymore. He wedged whatever it was into the crack underneath the door.

"It was here. It was here the whole time. Detective Esposito . . . I think he didn't want to scare me." She looked from Kate to Castle. "He . . . it was hard for him. He was _really_ not happy. But he was really brave. And he was mostly keeping it together. I think he was embarrassed about . . . everything."

Castle followed her helpless gesture around the room. It was sort of the like the rest of the apartment. More of the same, but . . . _sexier_ was not the right word. _Adult_ wasn't either, because . . . well it wasn't _cute,_ per se . . . _Yeah_ there was just a lot to be embarrassed about. It was making his head hurt.

He looked at the body . . . at _Esposito_ instead. That made his head hurt, too. He was _out_ and it looked like he'd gone down hard. Castle crouched next to him and laid a hand on his back. The detective's breath was even and steady. He was snoring a little bit.

Castle let out a breath of his own and gave Kate a surreptitious thumbs up. She nodded a quick thank you.

"It's ok, Alexis. You did good. You kept Esposito calm and you kept him safe in here so your grandmother and I could deal with landlord," Kate said evenly.

"Oh my God, Gram!" Alexis looked around wildly.

"She's fine," Castle cut in. "She did good, too, and she's fine. You said it—the ferret—was in here the whole time?"

"It must have been. I blocked up the door as soon as I got him in here. Just like that." She pointed to whatever it was.

Castle looked over at Kate. "That bell definitely came from the kitchen?"

"Pretty sure," she replied. "But an old building like this? Could've come through the walls, the ductwork . . ."

"Right. Right." Castle's eyes darted around the room. Forced air heating. Two vents. He grabbed a roll of duct tape off the dresser and . . . Wait. _Duct tape? _It . . they . . . _DUCT TAPE? _Kevin had cuffs and surely . . . _Oh, God. _

He willed himself not to think about it as he tore strips with his teeth and sealed over the larger gaps in and around the vents. That bell had definitely been in the room a minute ago and he was determined to end this thing here and now. "Go on, Alexis. What happened next?"

"He . . . the detective wanted to do a search. To clear the room. I didn't tell him you guys thought it was in the kitchen. I thought it would be better to keep him occupied."

"That was good thinking," Kate said over her shoulder as she picked up a small wicker waste basket. She pawed through the contents, then turned it face down on the floor. She plucked a hardcover off the nightstand and set it on top.

"I thought it was a good idea." Alexis chewed her lip. "But it wasn't. Every . . . every time either one of us picked anything up or opened a drawer there was _something. _ It just got worse and worse and . . . well I had to explain what a few things were and . . . "

Castle's eyes felt like they might fall out of his head at any second. His kid was explaining things—conception-themed things—to Esposito?

He opened his mouth, but Kate was had apparently borrowed Lanie's sizzling laser eye beams. He closed his mouth again and wondered if he should move the bo . . . move Esposito out of the way.

"So you were searching. Where did you find it?" Kate prompted gently. "We need to know, Alexis. It might help us find it now. It might go back where it felt safe."

"We didn't. We didn't find it." Alexis shook her head. "Like I said, we were looking. And everything was really upsetting him, so he said we should just sit tight. He wanted to play Twenty Questions. To pass the time. And then. . . . Mrs. . . . Mrs. Ryan's . . . nightie started moving. Like it was dancing. And then it was just in in his _lap_. All of a sudden, it was just in his lap!"

Castle was crouched over, checking the baseboards for gaps or holes. He turned his face to the wall. It wasn't funny. It absolutely was not funny _at all_.

He heard something strange from the corner of the room. His head snapped up, and his first thought was _ferret_—actually, it was something more along the lines _FERRET!_ accompanied by a white-hot, full-on girly scream that he was trying hard to confine to his inside-his-head voice_—_but there was nothing there. Nothing except Kate Beckett and her mysteriously shaking shoulders.

So they were in agreement. It was. Totally. Not. Funny. Esposito getting a lap dance from a ferret wearing Jenny's lingerie was definitely not funny. At all.

Castle snorted and scrambled to turn it into words. "So . . . so, Esposito . . . came upon the ferret. In his _lap_."

"He . . . it happened before I could even react. He was just jabbing wildly and I knew he was going to hurt himself. Or kill the ferret. Or both . . . so I got the syringe away from him, and then he grabbed my hand and he . . . he stabbed himself. I pulled it out as soon as I could and then the ferret was just . . . I was so worried that I didn't see . . . " Alexis's breath hitched painfully. "He's going to be ok, isn't he?"

Kate threw a guilty look over her shoulder.

_Yeah._ Not funny. Not even a little bit. Castle pushed himself upright and went to her. "It's ok, sweetie. Esposito's fine."

He slipped his arm around his daughter's shoulders and kissed her hair. He met Kate's eyes and nodded toward what he was still struggling not to think of as _the body. _ Especially now. "Beckett, you might want to check his right hip pocket?"

Kate walked around the far side of what was definitely Esposito and definitely not the body and discretely checked his pulse. Castle had thought about it, but counting was still a little bit of a challenge and he figured breathing was good enough. Still, he felt better when Kate gave him a quick nod and her shoulders slipped down a notch or two.

She prodded at Esposito's side. There was an odd sound, somewhere between a tinkle and crunch. Castle stiffened, but it wasn't a bell. It definitely was not a bell.

"Ow!" Kate hissed and recoiled.

"Shit, Kate. Another syringe?" Castle moved toward her, but she waved him off.

"No. Broken glass." She peered at her finger. "Just a cut."

Kate rocked back on her heels and surveyed the situation. A wet spot spread down and out from Esposito's hip pocket. She poked tentatively at the corner with her fingernail. The fabric gave with an unwholesome-sounding crunch this time.

"I think whatever he used was in this pocket. Must've broken when he fell." She looked up. "Castle, help me turn him over."

He gave his daughter one more reassuring squeeze, then crouched opposite Kate. He grabbed a fistful of fabric at Esposito's shoulder and knee and waited for her count. He heaved while Kate ho-ed and . . . well, not _ho_-ed. . . . because _no_ to the pimp metaphors. He _pulled_ and she _pushed_ and . . . anyway, they managed to wrestle Esposito on to his back. Eventually.

"He weighs a _ton_," Castle panted. "He must be all muscle."

"Yeah. Lanie won't shut up about . . . um . . . sorry, Alexis." Kate winced.

"I don't even hear it anymore," Alexis said with a slightly dazed look.

Castle reached out and gave Kate's fingers a reassuring squeeze. She flickered a smile at him and, not for the first time, he just wanted this all to be over.

The pocket of interest was nearest him now. He gestured to it. "Should I?"

Kate nodded and struggled to her feet. "I'll keep looking. Don't cut yourself."

"Wait! There was . . . something." Alexis dashed to a vanity set on the dresser. "Here!"

She thrust a palm-sized object into her father's hand. Castle stared down at it, open mouthed. It was stainless steel with a two loops for a handle, like scissors. He worked the legs open and closed a few times. Two curved, horizontal bars chomped up and down. A rubber strip along the top bar looked for all the world like a creepy, gawping smile.

"Dad!" Alexis snapped her fingers by his ear and he flinched. "It's an eyelash curler. Unclench."

Kate tried to cover a laugh as she thumped the night table back against the wall. Castle narrowed his eyes at the two of them. He was doomed to have the women in his life ganging up on him. _Doomed_.

"Are there tweezers, Alexis?" Kate pressed her fist against her lips.

"Didn't see any. But Dad should be able to fish things out without cutting himself." She leaned over him. "Here, let me . . ."

"I can _do it_!" Castle snapped.

Alexis backed away with her hands raised. She and Kate exchanged indulgent smiles.

"I saw that!" He made a warning chomp toward each of them with the . . . eyelash thingy. "Don't you two start any woman math."

He gingerly lifted the flap of Esposito's hip pocket. The front of the detective's right thigh was completely soaked through from hip to crotch. A dark stain in the shape of Florida. Castle thought about snapping a picture with his phone, but that would get him jabbed for sure. Jabbed or worse.

He worked the stainless steel jaws inside the pocket. It was slow going at first. The neck of the vial or whatever it was must have been narrower than the body. Big pieces started coming eventually, some with bits of label holding them together. He laid those out along Esposito's thigh.

"It's a prescription," he said without looking up. He dragged the piece with the _Rx_ off to one side and stared to move the others around. "I've got a big _T_, lowercase _AZ_ and a lowercase _O_ something . . ."

"An _O_ something?" Beckett gave him an odd look.

"Could be an _I _or an_ L. _Or maybe the upright of another _T?" _

"Telazol!" Alexis exclaimed. "It's an animal anesthetic."

"Like Ketamine?" Castle looked down at Esposito. He was still out. Like _really_ out. Suddenly he didn't seem like the body anymore. Suddenly he seemed like their friend.

"Yeah . . . except . . ." Alexis's face fell.

"Except if it's supposed to work like special _K _. . ." Kate slammed a drawer with particular force and crossed the room to kneel next to Esposito's head.

"He should be awake and feeling no pain," Castle finished. _Shit. _

"Call Lanie." She pulled up an eyelid and let it slip closed again. She knew basic field medicine. Enough to triage and keep somebody from bleeding out, but this was beyond her. His heart was beating. He was breathing, but . . . _shit. _"We'll have to get him to the hospital, but find out if there's something we should do in the mean time."

Castle suddenly remembered tiny phone Lanie and the hanging-up incident. He shoved the phone toward her. "_You_ should call Lanie!'

"Castle, don't be a baby!" she snapped as she batted it back toward him.

"At least roshambo for it," he pleaded.

"Dr. Parish? It's Alexis. I know. I'm sorry . . . yes, she's sorry, too. Yeah . . ." She held the phone away from her ear. "Yes. I'll tell him. But he _is _sorry. We're all sorry and it's been . . . DR. PARISH! Please stop yelling. We need your help. It's Detective Esposito."

She strode across the room and made a sharp gesture to both of them. Kate and Castle engaged in some synchronized backpedaling. Alexis knelt by Esposito's shoulder and held two fingers to the side of his neck.

"His pulse is strong. Breathing is regular, not labored." Alexis said after a minute. "But he's been unconscious for about five minutes. We think it's Telazol and it acted pretty quickly."

It all devolved into TV medical speak from there. Alexis set the phone on Esposito's chest and scooted around him, following Lanie's instructions.

Kate looked on miserably. Castle slipped an arm around her waist. "He'll be ok. Ryan was fine. And he's, like, teeny tiny. Esposito is like . . . a wall of macho muscle."

"Different drug," she said in a small voice. "We don't know that, Castle. We don't know he's going to be ok. Lanie is gonna kill me."

"Hey. _Hey!_"He caught her chin and tilted it toward him. His voice was gentle. "She won't. She won't kill you. She'll kill me. We both know that."

She gave a surprised snort. "That's supposed to make me feel better?"

"Doesn't it?" He bumped his head against hers gently.

"No." She turned into him and slipped her arms around his waist. "No, it doesn't. Because . . ."

Castle waited a beat, then whispered into her hair. "Because . . . you, too?"

"Yeah, Castle. Because me too."

"Ok. Dr. Parish doesn't think there's any immediate danger, but we should get him to the hospital soon."

Alexis's business-like tone had them jumping apart like teenagers caught necking in the basement. _Necking? _Castle wondered if people still _necked_ or if he was just old. Actually, he didn't think he'd ever necked. It was something his mother said. So maybe _she _was old. He still felt old. This night was making him feel old.

"Ambulance?" Kate asked.

"She said she didn't think so. That it's either a paradoxical reaction or he gave himself a big enough dose that that the soporific properties kicked in. The hospital will probably just keep him for observation."

They all looked down at Esposito. His face paint was hopelessly smudged and all but washed away at one corner of his mouth where he'd been drooling. His crotch was soaked and the pocket with the vial in it was shredded. A bump was forming on his forehead. He must've hit it when he went down.

In short, the good detective did _not_ look good.

"Is this . . going to be bad for him?" Castle looked at Kate out of the corner of his eye. "I mean, we can clean him up. Get rid of the Rambo look, but he's still chock full of animal tranquilizers on Christmas Eve."

Kate sighed and turned away. "It's not going to be great. We were hardly able to cover the last time."

Castle turned with her and rubbed a soothing palm over her shoulder blades.

"Dr. Parish said she'd meet us at the hospital," Alexis offered. "Said she couldn't guarantee anything, but she was going to call around to see if there was anyone on shift right now that she knew would be . . . discreet."

"So we make the best of it," Castle said softly. "We clean him up. Take care of him as best we can."

"Right. The best we can." Kate squared her shoulders. "Alexis is there cold cream? Make-up remover?"

Alexis nodded and went to the dresser to gather supplies. Kate followed.

Castle turned back toward Esposito and froze.

"Castle. Take off your shirt." Kate called over her shoulder.

"Kate."

"Castle," she sighed. "Just do it. I want you to switch with him Esposito, so he looks less . . ."

"_Kate!" _

The two of them whipped around, startled by the quiet urgency in his voice.

They all stared down in horror at Esposito, because there it was. _There it was_. Curled up exactly on top of Esposito's belt buckle. Fast asleep.

* * *

The room did not explode any more than the apartment had earlier. It did not erupt. It just felt like it should have.

But, in fact, nothing much happened right away. Mostly the three of them just stood there, vibrating with urgency and having no plan whatsoever, because _there it fucking was_. Sleeping! Practically right on top of Espo's junk, and what the hell did they do with that?

"No sudden moves," Kate said in a low voice.

It wasn't exactly a _plan_, but it was a start. Castle and Alexis nodded, perfectly in sync.

"I'm going to go for the waste basket. Slowly." Kate inched to her left even as she said it and the bell gave a single jingle. She froze again. They all did.

But apparently the ferret was just getting comfortable. It stretched out its paws, one after the other, then curled them back in. Its left front paw wound up draped over its nose. It was snoring a little, too. Under other circumstances, it might have been cute. These were not other circumstances.

These were circumstances that involved a Santa hat—and how the hell was that thing even staying _on?—_and their ferret-phobic friend's hopefully-not-too-dangerous unconscious state and close proximity to said friend's genitals. Oh, and the fact that it was a _fucking diabolical, weapon-wielding ferret_. But other than that, it might have been cute. Under other circumstances.

Beckett waited a handful of heartbeats and risked another step. Not a creature was stirring, this time. She took another and another and then she was lifting the book off the basket. She looked around blankly for somewhere to put it.

Castle took a long step to the side and stretched out his hand. Kate leaned out as far as she could and handed it off. He glanced at the cover as he set it gently on the bed and immediately wished that he hadn't. He didn't catch the title. His brain protected him from that much. But not from the cover art. He hadn't realized that Beatrix Potter had illustrated an edition of the Kama Sutra, but the image seared on his retinas assured him that she—or someone who admired her work—most definitely had.

Kate had the basket now, and she looked ready to make her move. Or at least to decide what her move might be. Or to narrow down a list of potential moves. Or maybe to form a search committee for moves. Because she was pretty much standing there, poised, with the basket raised to shoulder level.

Castle felt bad. He really did. He felt bad that he and Alexis were just standing there, too, looking at her expectantly. It's not like Kate needed the added pressure. Because, really? What the hell was she going to do with that basket? What the hell could she—or any of them, for that matter—actually _do?_

She made her move then. It wasn't a war cry. But it was a cry of some kind—strangled and awkward and possibly a little grossed out by the whole thing. It might not have been a _great _addition to the plan, given that it seemed to startle the ferret.

Cry or no cry, by then it was too late. The basket came down on Esposito's . . . abdomen and abdomen-adjacent regions, and the ferret was on the wrong side of things. The wrong side of things from its perspective.

And possibly from Esposito's although those fatigues had to be pretty thick, right? Castle hoped they were. There was some pretty fierce scrabbling going on already.

From Castle's perspective, the ferret was very much on the right side of things now. "That was _awesome!_"

"Castle!" Kate's voice halted him in mid–fist pump. "Get me something to put it in!"

"Something . . .?" Castle turned in a circle. "Something. Right. _Right!"_

The chirping started then. He'd forgotten about the chirping. The eerie, horrible chirping. Alexis looked terrified.

"Hey." He ran a hand over his kid's hair and underlined _pony_ one more time in his mental notes. "It's ok. Kate's got it under control. We've got it under control. Just . . . try the dresser drawers. See if you can find something to move it to."

Alexis nodded mechanically and started rifling through the drawers.

The chirping was suddenly joined by . . . percussion? Castle whipped around. His stomach dropped as he saw the basket jerking crazily under Kate's hand. The ferret was throwing itself around. Against the sides, the top, the sides again. There was a particularly loud thud and the rim of the basket caught air for half a second. Kate slammed it down again and Castle wondered idly if Esposito was wearing a cup.

"Castle!" Kate could barely get his name out through her teeth. "This won't . . . hold!"

There was a rending sound Castle couldn't help but look back again, even as he groped for something—anything—that might hold the fucking thing more permanently.

Sickening pink claws punched through the side wall of the basket, curling and scratching furiously. The hole widened, again and again. The claws withdrew and a nose appeared in their place. The ferrets jaws opened wide. A dark and furious sound emerged. A war cry.

It galvanized him, that terrifying sound. Castle dove on to the bed and tore the pillows out of their cases.

A moan—a human moan—joined the cacophony, and it wasn't Kate's. At this point, he was pretty familiar with her moan repertoire from top to bottom. The moan was definitely not hers. _Shit. _

"Oh, he's coming around," Alexis spun to face Esposito and Kate. She took a step toward them as if to check on the detective, but Kate shook her head urgently. Alexis danced back to the dresser and resumed her search.

"Castle! Now would be good."

Castle rolled off the bed and stumbled over to Kate. He'd stuffed one pillow case inside the other and he held the double bag open wide. "I . . . How? I don't . . . how do we?"

"You'll have to hold it open right up against his body. I'll slide the basket right to the edge and you catch it in the bag."

Castle started to sink to his knees by Esposito's side, but she shook her head furiously.

"Not there, Castle. The way his side curves and he's moving now . . . " Kate pulled some ninja move and managed to elbow Esposito hard in the ribs. He let out an _oof_ and stilled. "It could slip out before you can catch it."

Castle nodded. "Ok, ok. Where then?"

Kate started at him, her lips parted and something—_something_—in her eyes scared the hell out of him.

"Kate, where?"

She looked down. "I can pin his hips and you . . ."

Shit. _Shit. _

Castle might've tried out a war cry of his own, but there wasn't time. Esposito wasn't awake, but he was close enough to be more of a problem with every passing second. An elbow from Kate wasn't going to do it next time.

Castle took a deep breath and hauled on Esposito's right knee. He hopped over what he absolutely could not help but notice was a well-muscled thigh and landed between Esposito's legs. He hooked two fingers over each side of the pillowcase opening and braced the sides of his hands against the floor. The backs of his hands were pressed against—yes, he couldn't help noticing that either—the inside of a matched set of well-muscled thighs. He torqued his wrists and made ready to hook his thumbs over the edge of the basket.

"Ready?" Kate asked.

"As . . . ready as I can be," Castle croaked.

She gave a count of three and _shoved. _The edge of the basket caught on Esposito's belt buckle. The ferret leapt and shoved its nose through a brand new hole in the side of the basket. For a horrible minute it seemed like it wasn't going to work. It wasn't going to work and they were going to lose it and it was all going to start over again.

Castle saw red. He slammed his forehead against the bottom of the basket. The ferret let out a chirp of surprise and alarm and dropped back on to Esposito.

Esposito jerked to a sitting position with a howl. The motion popped the edge of the basket free of the buckle and knocked Castle backward.

"No!" Kate shouted.

But he had it. With a combination of hands, knees, and feet, he'd managed to make the mouth of the doubled pillow cases into a perfect seal around the edge of the basket and he _had it. _

Castle pressed an eye to one of the ferret-created holes in the basket. He stared in and the ferret stared back. The hat sat crookedly now, listing over one eye. It was clinging to the wicker rim by a single pink claw.

There was a moment—half a moment—when Castle might have felt sorry for it. When he might have thought about what came next as a necessary evil.

And then it hissed. It raised its nose, shook that fucking bell in defiance, and _hissed. _

Castle brought his forehead down on top of the basket again. The ferret dropped like a stone into the pillowcase. He clenched the top closed in his fists.

He held the bag above his head triumphantly and words failed him. _Him. _But they were all staring at him—Kate and Alexis and, like, one and a half of Esposito's crazy eyes were staring at him—and he still wasn't entirely sober and . . . _Shit. _

"Um . . . two points?"


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: We have reached, more or less, the end of this insane little journey. I think I will be posting a schmoopy little epilogue tomorrow.

I ended up slightly rewriting what I had intended to be the ending of the main story. And by "slightly rewriting" I mean "ended up writing something I swore I would never, ever write." There's quite the list of people to blame for that, none of whom are me. A short, if not comprehensive list: Cartographicals, Muppet_47, Brookemopolitan, 1822andallthat, lv2bnsb, and I think eventually poor kimmiesjoy and ColieMacKenzie/Nic6789.

Thank you from the bottom of my grown-three-sizes heart for reading and reviewing and being generally awesome, everyone.

* * *

The apartment, once again, did not explode. But it was back to seeming like it had. Or should have. Whatever.

The only good news for Castle was that he had no time to worry about the fact that he'd completely failed to stick the landing on the chapter-ending _bon mot_.

He wanted to tell them it was ferret related. He wanted to blame the glögg and the disturbingly adorable sex den that Jenny had built from disturbingly adorable parts and the long-term impact of said sex den on his kid's probably, _hopefully_, nascent sex life. But the fact of the matter was he'd choked. He—Richard Castle, best-selling author—had totally choked.

So he had a little time to worry about it. Even if the apartment was exploding. Metaphorically, not literally.

The ferret had lost whatever remained of its tiny ferret mind. The pillow case bag writhed and pulsed like a living thing. Which it kind of was. Just a living thing in two layers of buttercup yellow percale stamped with pink and blue baby silhouettes, and who the hell _made _these things for adult-sized beds?! For _any_ sized beds?

The chirping was incessant now. Incessant. The ferret had some kind of zen circular breathing going on. It was like a horrifying, high-pitched didgeridoo with a sinister, jingling back beat.

And Esposito was awake. Well, not awake exactly, but mobile. Dangerously mobile and loud. _Really _loud. It wasn't quite his war cry, but he was clearly working up to it.

"Castle . . ." Kate had one of Espo's arms pinned under her knee. The other arm flailed around, wild, boneless, and disturbingly muppet-like. "Castle, can you . . . _Jesus_ FUCK!"

The heel of Esposito's hand connected solidly with the underside of her jaw. There was a shudder-inducing crack of teeth on teeth. Kate's mouth dropped open, and a stream of blood trickled down her chin.

"Kate!" Castle scrambled to his knees, the pillow case still clutched in his fists. He couldn't get to her without letting go of the ferret. "Alexis, help!"

He meant for her to take the ferret. That's what he meant, but his kid had other ideas. Strange, new ninja-woman-in-training ideas.

Alexis charged across the room, hair flying behind her. She dropped to her knees and skidded into Esposito's side. She caught his wrist in mid-flail and stopped it cold. Somehow—miraculously—she stopped it cold

Beckett jolted back in surprise. Her knee slipped and Esposito's other arm flew up and it was all suddenly like a martial arts movie.

Sort of like a martial arts movie. Time didn't slow down or anything. It just kept jerking forward at its horrible, usual pace. But it was still like a martial arts movie.

Kate leaned back, her thighs taut, her spine curving impossibly. She swept her upper body in an arc to the left, a hair's breadth ahead of Esposito's newly liberated fist. It passed closed enough to brush a thick lock of hair across her cheek. It was totally awesome. And terrifying. And just _whoa _. . . Castle filed that particular tidbit of ninja flexibility away for later.

She snapped back upright. Her hand shot out and her fingers closed like a vise around Esposito's wrist. But Alexis was there first. They both gripped Espo's beefy forearm like a baseball bat, one fist on top of the other. Their eyes met and . . . _something_ happened. Something passed between them.

"I've got this," Alexis said in a low voice. She nodded at Kate's chin. The blood was still trickling down. Slower now, but still trickling. _Shit. _"Go. Let my dad look at that."

Kate opened her mouth to say something. She winced before she could get the words out. She gave Alexis a firm nod and pushed Esposito's arm toward her.

Alexis bared her teeth in something fiercer than a smile. She swung her leg across Esposito's body. She pinned his upper arms under her knees sat back on his chest. Esposito rolled his shoulders in a clumsy attempt to shake her off. His head whipped back and forth and he drew in a long, long breath.

Castle braced himself for a war cry, but it never came.

Alexis slammed Esposito's wrists to the ground above his head, and then she was yelling in his face. "Hey! _HEY! _Detective, you have to calm down. Right _now_! Everything is under control, and you have to calm _DOWN _or I will get Dr. Parish over here and _she'll _calm you down."

Esposito stilled almost instantly and the room fell . . . not quite silent, exactly, but something like it. Even the ferret symphony dialed it back a bit. It was probably getting tired. It had to be getting tired. It _had_ to be, right?

Kate scrambled to her feet. She blinked at Castle. He blinked back.

He had no idea what was going on with the women in his life—no idea what he had unleashed by bringing them together. Whatever it was, it was awesome. And terrifying. And it very well might kill him, but it also probably called for ponies all around.

Castle transferred the pillow case to one hand and double checked—_triple_ checked—his hold before reaching his other hand out to Kate. She stepped toward him and took it, sinking to her knees next to him.

"Here," he said as he gently brushed a thumb over her jaw. It was purpling already underneath the smear of blood. _Ouch_. "Let me . . . "

"Cah-uhhh!" She gave him a frustrated scowl and batted his hand away.

"Kate." He caught her fingers. "You're bleeding. Your tongue?"

She nodded glumly.

"Too bad," he murmured as he leaned in for a closer look. "I had plans for that later."

She jabbed him. Of course she jabbed him. She tried to say something that might have been, "Castle! You asshole, your _kid _is _right there!"_ but it was all disorganized vowel sounds and he was definitely not laughing. Much like Esposito's ferret lap dance, there was nothing funny about it. Nothing.

"Don't even hear it anymore," Alexis said without turning around. "Do not. Even. Hear it."

Castle did laugh at that. Because _that _was a chapter-ending _bon mot. _

A knock rang out from the living room. It wasn't an angry knock. Not like before. It was, however, a knock with absolutely no respect for the chapter-ending _bon mot_ or the 30 precious seconds of something like peace they had managed in however fucking long it had actually been since Ryan's text. It seemed like years.

His mother's voice followed close behind. It was low and intimate and . .. . _ew_ . . . still flirty, but a lifetime in the theater allowed the tone, if not the actual words, to carry easily through two doors, a couple of heavy plaster walls, and something that might or might not have been lingerie shoved under the bedroom door. His mother also had no respect for the chapter-ending _bon mot_, but this was not news.

"Gram!" Alexis exclaimed.

"The evil landlord!" Castle said at the same time.

Kate didn't say anything, she just growled in frustration, presumably at her own injured tongue.

Esposito moaned a little and looked like he wanted to say something, but a hard look from Alexis made him reconsider.

"You locked the door after they left?" Castle looked up at Kate.

She nodded and growled again.

Castle gripped the ferret bag a little tighter and gave her a heated look. Like pretty much everything she did, the growling was working for him. He mentally reviewed the half dozen hoops they all needed to jump through in the next five minutes or so and tried to find a time and place for a much-needed, really quick quickie. The outlook was not good.

He sighed as he got to his feet and headed for the bedroom door. "Ok. So . . . you all just sit tight. I'll wrestle mother from the clutches of that cardigan and get rid of the landlord and we'll . . ."

"Cah-uhhh!" Kate growled again. That was going to be a real problem before too long.

"Dad!" Alexis twisted toward him awkwardly. Esposito saw an opportunity and tried to sit up. She didn't even look as she laid him back out with a palm to the forehead. "You can't take the . . . _the thing_ . . . out there with you!"

"Thing!" Esposito moaned groggily. "That thing . . . Lanie said she wouldn't let it get me . . ."

Kate stomped her foot and made sharp gestures toward Esposito and the ferret bag.

The knocking recommenced and his mother's voice took on a note of urgency.

Castle closed his eyes and wondered if he should buy Jenny and Ryan a bigger apartment as a baby shower gift. Something with lots of doors that was better suited to French farce.

"Right," he muttered. "Right. Can't take . . . the _thing_ and can't leave the thing _here_ and the fox will eat the chicken but the chicken will eat the bag of feed and why the hell do we not have a _bigger boat_?"

"_Cah_-uhhh!" Kate snorted and stomped her foot again. She held out her hand and made a beckoning gesture at the pillowcase.

Oh. _Oh, right. _She could take the ferret. Kate could take the ferret into the bathroom where they would almost certainly _not _get to have a quickie, even if he knew to be quiet this time, and Alexis could stay here straddling Esposito and everything would be just as close to fine as it could get when every damned thing was ferret related.

He sighed "Ok. _Ok. _You have everything under control here, Alexis?"

"All under control," she replied, never taking her eyes off Esposito. He nodded along blearily, the very picture of quiet, demented cooperation.

Castle turned to Kate. She reached for the pillowcase, but he pulled it back out of her reach. "In a minute. Let me get you into bathroom and see if we can get your tongue taken care of first."

Kate narrowed her eyes and growled.

Castle gave a grim chuckle as he pressed his free hand to the small of her back as he steered her to the bedroom door. "Yeah, yeah, I hear you . . 'No, Castle'."

* * *

The car was blissfully quiet. The snow had picked up again, just enough to form a gently falling blanket that muffled the noise of the city. Kate—brilliant, beautiful, nefariously sober Kate—had remembered about the dramamine and its ferret-subduing properties. She'd found some in the medicine cabinet along with some other things she seemed disinclined to talk about. Even if she could talk.

The ferret was sacked out in the pillowcase on Castle's lap. He was still crammed into the back seat of his own Mercedes, but this time Kate was tucked against his side. Of course his mother was on the other side of _her_, but at least she wasn't singing.

Esposito had entered the mellow phase of his funky trip through animal-tranquilizer land right about the time they'd poured him into the passenger seat. That was as far as they could possibly situate him from the ferret, given Alexis's strongly worded objections to locking the damned thing in the trunk for the duration of the ride to the hospital.

Lanie burst through the glass doors to the ER vestibule the minute the car turned into the parking area. She had the passenger side door open before Alexis had time to pull the parking break.

"Javi?" she peered anxiously into his face.

The blast of cold air seemed to revive Esposito a little. His head lolled to toward her and he grinned sloppily. "Hey, girl!"

"Don't you 'hey girl' me, you damned fool. Running out on me in the middle of the night and then you're gonna 'hey girl' me?" Her words were sharp but the relief was all over her face as she jerked his chin left and right to get a better look at his eyes. She stuck her head farther into the car and glared at Castle. "I'm gonna get Mr. Smooth here looked at and then _we_ are going to have a conversation."

Castle dropped his head back heavily against the seat, wondering how long he had to put his affairs in order before Lanie killed him and mounted select bits of his corpse around her office.

But Kate's palm was there, a warm curve at the back of his neck, smoothing away the tension and pulling his lips to her unbruised cheek.

"I'll break you out of Lanie jail, Castle," she whispered. At least she whispered something like it. Her tongue was getting better, but her consonants were still a little hit or miss. It was neither adorable nor funny. Neither. Definitely.

He smiled against her skin and wondered for the first time if he might survive the night.

* * *

They parked and piled out of the car with the ferret in tow. Castle had tried to convince Alexis to take her grandmother home, but they were both hell bent on seeing Christmas Eve through to its bitter end.

Jenny was stretched out across a couple of chairs with her head in Ryan's lap. Her face was pale and tear stained and she shivered under Ryan's coat. One hand was tucked beneath her chin. Castle could see it was entirely wrapped in bandages—a hasty triage job that extended down her wrist and disappeared underneath the coat. Her eyes were closed, but judging from the dark circles under them, she'd only just managed to fall into uneasy sleep.

Ryan, if possible, looked worse. One cheek was criss-crossed with shallow, angry-looking cuts in parallel rows of four, like he'd been attacked with a tiny, sharp waffle iron. A bald spot over his right ear gleamed in the fluorescent light, and his left ear was taped over with a huge gauze pad, its top layers tingeing pinker and pinker with every passing minute. It looked like he'd have a matched set of ferret battle scars if anyone ever found the time time stitch him up. His battered face flooded with gratitude as he saw the four of them hurrying down the hall.

"Guys! You made it." His face fell as he got a good look at Kate. "Beckett . . . what happened?"

"Esposito punched her." It came out in an excited whisper that was not at all quiet. Castle slung an arm around Alexis's shoulder. "But Alexis took him down. It was awesome."

"Cas-uhl!" Kate jabbed him and he suddenly remembered that they should probably be downplaying all things Rambo, for Ryan's sake as well as his partner's. _Ooops. _

"She bit her tongue, too," Castle blurted glumly in another not-quiet whisper.

"Esposito!" Ryan's voice shot up. He brought it back down immediately, but Jenny was already stirring. "I . . . I thought we were going to be able to keep Javier out of this?"

"Oh, Detective!'" Martha dropped into the chair to Ryan's left. "The tales we have to tell, but not tonight! Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, all's well that ends well, and God bless us every one, et cetera, et cetera"

Jenny blinked as she swung her feet to the floor. It turned out both of her hands were bandaged, almost to the elbow. "Did . . . did you find her? Is she ok?"

"Her?" Castle and Kate said together. Except for Kate it came out more like "Henh?" which was still not funny.

"Lila . . . the doctors . . ." Her tears started to get the better of her, but she took a deep breath and hurried on. "The doctors need to see her to figure out if I need the shots, but I don't care about that. I just want to know she's ok . . ."

Alexis clued in before the rest of them. While Jenny was struggling through her words, she nudged her father's hand and grabbed the pillowcase swinging carelessly from it. She took a step behind Kate and eased open the mouth of the bag just slightly.

Castle saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over Kate's shoulder and almost shrieked as he saw a glint of silver, a flash of red, and an evil twitch of pink nose nestled in the crook of his daughter's arm. Alexis's gaze snapped up to his and she gave a decisive shake of her head. The determined expression on her face was equal parts Kate, Lanie, his mother, and somehow all her. Terrifying woman math of another kind.

Castle's hand hovered anxiously at the small of Kate's back, but he gave his kid what he hoped was a confident nod or something close enough.

"We found her, Mrs. Ryan. I think she's ok." Alexis stepped out from behind Kate and leaned forward to give Jenny a glimpse of the deceptively docile-looking ferret. Castle noted with relief that she had her arm wrapped firmly around most of the long stretch of furry evil, and she looked prepared to jerk the neck of the bag taut and let the thing drop back in at the first sign of trouble. "She was pretty . . . worked up. But Detective Beckett remembered about the dramamine. That was ok, right?"

"Yeah," Jenny said with a tearful smile. "Thank you, yes. Oh, I'm so glad to see her."

Ryan looked slightly less glad to see the ferret. He was trying out a smile for Jenny's sake, but he couldn't keep the anxiety out of his voice. "She was in the apartment?"

"The whole time," Martha exclaimed. "And I charmed your Mr. Marley, while our crack team scoured the premises for your fugitive ferret, so your landlord is none the wiser!"

"Mr Marley?" Castle did a double-take. "With the cardigan? Marley? _Really?_"

"I thought it was a little on the nose as well, dear, but . . ." Martha shrugged.

Ryan let out a sigh and a little color came back into his cheeks, then abruptly fled. "But Esposito . . . you said . . ."

Castle and Kate exchanged looks. "We think he's gonna be fine. Lanie's getting him checked out just to be safe, but I think by tomorrow I'll be regretting all the funny pictures of him I didn't get a chance to take. For example, when he was having his ass handed to him by my kid."

Castle sidestepped half a second too late and Kate's jab found its mark. Ryan was hiding something like a relieved grin, though, so what was one more layer of bruise in the grand scheme of things?

"Detective Ryan?"

They turned as a group to face a hulking young bald man in scrubs and a white coat. A short, round woman with a profusion of dark hair stood by his side. Castle felt an unfamiliar hope that the two were less likely to be comedy duo than they seemed doomed to be.

The woman spoke, "We're just about ready to take you back for treatment. I hope your paperwork is all in order now?"

Kate held up one hand and produced the insurance cards in the other. Ryan took them with a grateful smile and retrieved a clipboard from where he'd stashed it in the side of the seat cushion. He scribbled a few things, ticked a few boxes, and handed over the clipboard.

The tall doctor scanned the pages and gave a satisfied nod. He and his colleague exchanged a conspiratorial look. She nudged him and he gave her annoyed nudge back.

"Doctor?" Ryan asked anxiously. "Is something wrong with the paperwork?"

"Not the paperwork," he said said slowly. He lowered his voice and the whole group shuffled and leaned into a tighter circle. "But there's the matter of . . . how you sustained the injuries?"

"Oh! We have her right here!" Alexis nudged the terrible little head to the center of the group. Everyone except Jenny and the bald doctor flinched. "I don't think . . . I mean . . . I'm not a vet, but . . . you don't think she has rabies, do you?"

"We're not vets either, obviously," the woman replied quietly. "But Dr. Charles is quite familiar with ferrets, weasels, and other mustelids."

"Dr. _Charles?" _Castle choked. He faced the inevitable and held out his bicep for easier jabbing access. "Please tell me you're Dr. Dickens."

She looked at him, nonplussed. "Gleason. Why would I be Dr. Dickens?"

"Never mind," Castle muttered. He looked to the tall doctor. "So, you're a ferrets and weasels man?"

"No, I'm a specialist in Emergency Medicine. But I have pets. Detective, Mrs. Ryan, can you describe what happened for me again? I have the notes from your intake, but I'd like to hear the details for myself."

Jenny nodded. "She was fine all day. I was carrying her in the Björn while I did stuff around the house and she was fine. Her usual self."

Castle's eyes traveled sideways to meet Kate's. She wiggled her jabbing finger in warning, but she hadn't quite managed to suppress an eye roll. _Ferret Björn?_

"I think it was my fault," Ryan cut in miserably. "I thought the hat would be cute and she's usually so good about costumes . . . "

"Costumes? _Plural?_"

"She's a classroom ferret, Castle. It's a theme-heavy business," Ryan said as though this were obvious to normal people who did not harbor ferrets in their homes and workplaces.

Dr. Charles broke in impatiently, "So she was fine so long as she was being held quietly, but she became agitated when you handled her body?"

Ryan and Jenny nodded together.

"May I see her?"

Alexis looked at the doctor warily for a moment. She turned, placing her body between him and the arm cradling the ferret. "She's . . . we gave her dramamine, but she's fast and she strong."

Castle scrubbed a hand over his mouth to keep himself from adding a slew of adjectival phrases like "crazy eyed" and "hungry for human flesh."

"Believe me, I know." The doctor smiled gently. "I'll be careful."

Alexis handed over Lila. Castle raised and arm instinctively in front of her and Kate and stepped the three of them backward.

"She's _never _done anything like this," Jenny said firmly. "She's never been violent. Just sweet. Like our little practice baby."

Kate and Castle both cleared their throats, but Jenny's words dissolved into a tiny sob and Ryan was shooting them pleading looks, even as he unconsciously stroked his paperclip nunchuck scar. Obviously he'd been less than forthcoming with Jenny about FerretGate 1.0.

Castle wanted to call bullshit in the interest of full disclosure, but that had all been months ago. Whatever the ferret's damage had been then, she clearly wasn't rabid at that point. Now might be a different story, but that was the doctor's call.

The all waited in silence as he held the ferret up to the light, turning her this way and that. The damned hat was still perched rakishly over one eye and the bell jingled unnervingly every time Dr. Charles moved her into a new position. After what seemed like an age, he spoke. "Do you know how far along she is?"

"Along?" Ryan's brow furrowed.

"Oh my God!" Jenny breathed. Her face was lighting up. "Are you saying . . .?"

Dr. Charles tipped Lila on to her back and held her out to his colleague. "Dr. Gleason, don't you think . . .?"

"Certainly her vulva is much more diminished than you'd expect unless she's about to go back into heat. But she shouldn't be. Not in December."

"She's . . . pregnant?" Castle looked surprised to hear the word coming out of his mouth. He was. Pregnant and ferret were two words he wished would remain completely unconnected in his mind, forever and ever, Amen.

Kate caught his eye and she looked every bit as horrified as he felt. Good. That was good. It was nice to have company in the horror.

"How is that possible?" Ryan asked faintly.

Memories of some of the more bizarre elements of the Ryans' love nest flooded Castle's mind—memories he'd been busily and happily repressing since they'd _finally_ made it to the hospital. He suddenly wondered if someone needed to have "the talk" with both of them. He nominated Kate. Or possibly Lanie. And given that Alexis had been "explaining" things to Esposito . . . _Oh, God. _

Ryan seemed to realize that everyone except Jenny was looking at him uncomfortably. "I _mean_, she's a single ferret. No . . . gentlemen ferret callers, right Jenny?"

"If this is some virgin birth deal . . . if that _thing_ is bearing the ferret Messiah I am declaring a metaphysical emergency," Castle blurted. He hardly felt the jabs at this point.

"Well . . ." Jenny was blushing. "She's quite the escape artist at school. She got out around Thanksgiving and the second grade class has a ferret, too. I think he's male, but I'm not sure."

Dr. Gleason looked like she was doing woman math in her head. "That would put her about 10 days from delivery."

"It's not unusual to see behavior changes about then. They can become territorial when they're nesting," Dr. Charles added. "We'll still need to watch her, but I think that's much more likely than rabies."

Jenny and Ryan dove into each other's arms. The rest of the group exchanged pleased, if somewhat dazed and uncomfortable smiles. Castle made a mental note, right after the one about ponies, to make it clear that they had all done their very last ferret-related favors.

"Kevin, sweetie! You realize what this means?" Jenny pulled back and looked up at her husband, an awed expression on her face. "We're going to be grandparents before we're even parents!"

Castle would've sworn that he saw a little green beneath Ryan's smile, but it was possible he was projecting.

"We're going to be grandparents," he repeated.

At that exact moment—because _of course _it would happen at that exact moment, because it was ferret related—one of the doors to the interior of the ER swung open. Esposito stumbled out, partly under his own power, partly under Lanie's.

Everyone except Jenny exchanged sudden, urgent looks. Continuing her streak of awesome, Alexis quietly asked Dr. Charles if he and Dr. Gleason might not need to examine Lila elsewhere.

Jenny looked like she wanted to protest, but Alexis assured her in a low voice that she'd go along and look after the mother-to-be. The doctors told the Ryans that someone would see them soon and they should be on their way before too long. They made their goodbyes and went, Alexis protectively bringing up the rear.

Castle eventually braved a look at Lanie. She was still pissed. There would still be conversations and woman math, but the set of her shoulders was easy and she wasn't quite winning the war against her own smile.

"He'll be ok?" Castle asked quietly when Kate nudged him.

Lanie gave a curt nod as she helped Esposito manage his controlled fall into the chair across from Ryan.

"Just a matter of time until the tranquilizer wears off and he'll have a hangover, but no signs of concussion. Some pretty deep scratches on his abdomen. Nothing too far below the belt."

"It's _itchy_," Esposito confided in a loud whisper as he tried to shove his hand down his own pants. Lanie darted forward and batted it away and Esposito looked up at her with a dreamy smile. "Hey, girl!"

Lanie paused to give Castle a glare that suggested he was especially lucky that there was no permanent below-the-belt damage. Castle managed _not_ to share the fact that he was probably the only one in their merry band who had spared even a moment wondering if Esposito had been wearing a cup. What was the point? There's no way something like that would get him anywhere in woman math.

Kate sagged into his side with relief for a moment, then nudged Castle again. Ryan was looking at him expectantly, too. Castle wondered what he had ever done to either of them to deserve sole responsibility for Lanie wrangling.

"And . . . the discreetness?"

"As far as the paperwork is concerned, Detective Esposito was responding to a domestic issue he encountered while off duty and he was accidentally injected with animal tranquilizers by one of the parties involved."

Ryan collapsed back in his chair with a huge sigh of relief. He slipped an arm around Jenny who looked pleased, if a little lost.

Kate muttered something that sounded almost entirely like "Thank _GodI"_ as she pressed her face against Castle's shoulder.

Esposito suddenly jerked upright. He looked around the group and seemed to be counting on his fingers. Trying to count on his fingers. Castle sympathized.

"Everybody's here," he said suspiciously. His face cleared as he swayed toward Martha. "Mrs. C! How _you _doin'?"

"I am _splendid_, Detective." Martha patted his cheek. "Merry Christmas!"

"It's Christmas!" Esposito exclaimed.

"So it is," Castle said as he looked at his watch. He turned and pressed a gentle kiss to the uninjured corner of Kate's mouth and whispered, "Merry Christmas."

Esposito grinned at the two of them a little soggily, then something seemed to occur to him. He half leaned, half fell across the aisle as he reached for Ryan's sleeve. "Partner! PARTNER!"

Ryan caught Esposito by the forearms and urged him more or less back into his own chair. "Easy. Easy! What's up, buddy?"

Esposito turned to Jenny and gave her what he probably thought was a sly wink. It was not sly. It had never been introduced to sly. "_Mrs._ Partner!"

Jenny gave him a genuine, if slightly confused, smile.

"Partner and Mrs. Partner," Esposito repeated as he leaned back in his chair. "So, you two make a baby tonight or what?"


	7. Epilogue

A/N: Schmoopy epilogue for Christmas. Thank you all a thousand times for them cameraderie and special thanks to Muppet47 letting me write in the spaces between her Waiting Game universe and show canon.

* * *

Kate didn't call shotgun on the way home. She just climbed into the backseat beside Castle and leaned against his shoulder. His mother limited herself to a saucy wink as she slipped into the passenger seat. Together with the fact that Alexis's driving called for about 60% less use of the _Oh Shit_-bar, possibly because the glögg was starting to release its hold on his cerebellum, Castle was ready to call it a Christmas Miracle.

They were all dead on their feet by the time they reached the loft. He figured there was no question of opening gifts until morning. He thought he'd been pretty successful in keeping his rueful glance at the brightly colored boxes piled under the tree on the down low.

Kate snagged his fingers as he went to switch off the lights on the tree. "How about one gift each?"

It was . . . well, not shy. Nothing about Kate Beckett could or should ever be described as shy. But it was barely loud enough to catch Martha and Alexis before they headed up the stairs.

Castle was overwhelmed by a wave of decidedly mushy feelings that she'd definitely jab him for showing in front of anyone else. He swallowed hard and when he thought it was safe, he smiled at the three of them. "A little old, a little new. I like it."

"For this, we need cocoa," Martha declared.

"Non-alcoholic, Mother, please."

Alexis promised to supervise while Castle excused himself to confer with Santa briefly. He emerged a minute or two later with a respectable stack to add to those already under the tree.

Martha disbursed cocoa from a tray and they all made a show of insisting he go first. Castle, in turn, made a (very brief) show of resisting before he eagerly tore into the present Alexis had handed him.

It was something—two somethings, a playbill and a pressed flower—in an oversized frame. He laid it across his knees and studied it before giving his mother a puzzled look.

"Give it a moment, Richard," she smiled and after a minute made an impatient noise. She shook out her hands and dramatically bowed her head for a moment. When she raised it again, she suddenly looked haggard and done with life. She drew in a breath. "You tell me. He tells me. Everybody tells me that a woman 'of my age' is long past being any good to any one. I guess it's so. I guess it's so."

"Oh! Oh!" Castle bent over the frame. "I came to see you in this!"

Martha—just like that, she was Martha again—turned to Kate eagerly. "He broke out of boarding school, twelve years old, and sweet-talked his way on to a train to New York. And he brought flowers to my dressing room door."

"Pretty sure I stole those from the sitting room on my way out of school." Castle's fingertips hovered over the flower. "That play was terrible."

"It was terrible, as you pointed out, _ad nauseam,_ on the drive back to school. The structure, he said. The dialogue, he said. On and on!" She shared a smile with Kate and Alexis. "But he told me I was good. And he'd obviously been paying attention."

Castle set the frame aside and went to kiss his mother's cheek. "Thank you, mother. It's very thoughtful for a present that's all about you."

Martha laughed and swatted at him as he made his way to snag a box for Alexis from the pile he'd added under the tree. He squeezed back on to the couch between her and Kate.

"Dad!" Alexis held the present high and away from him as he lost patience with her careful paper-preserving unwrapping technique and threatened her with a lesson in proper procedure.

"They roar!" He said excitedly when she finally—finally—had worked the lid off the box and held up an oversized, furry monster claw. He added proudly. "Washing machine safe. Batteries included. But take the batteries out before you wash them."

"Dad, how many times have I told you—tonight alone—that I'm 19?" Alexis gave him a stony stare.

Castle's face fell. "But . . . they're _monster_ slippers."

She kept it up long enough to make Kate wonder if she could actually arrest someone for being an ungrateful brat.

Just as Kate had decided she definitely could, Alexis launched herself at her father. "And they're awesome. I am going to be the queen of the dorm!"

Castle hugged her and grinned brightly as he clamored for his mother to take her turn.

Alexis dropped a giant, carefully box in her grandmother's lap. She found another box inside, just as carefully wrapped, and another and another. It went on until they were all weak with laughter. Martha finally pulled out an envelope containing a pair of subscriptions to an on-campus theater group's spring season.

"So we can spend time together, Gram! And if they're terrible, we can mock and deride together," Alexis said brightly. "You know, quality time!"

"I like quality time," Castle groused. "I like mocking and deriding!"

Alexis flopped back on to the couch next to him. "And when you master the art of _not_ dropping by without calling first, then we _might_ include you in quality time again."

Kate smiled quietly and sipped her cooling cocoa as they traded jibes. She nudged Castle with her knee and nodded to Alexis, whose eyelids were drooping. Castle nodded back and smoothed a palm over her calf.

He reached his other hand out to tug on a lock of his daughter's hair. "Tired, pumpkin?"

"Mmm." Alexis shifted to rest her head on his shoulder. "Yeah, but Kate has to . . . " Her mouth dropped open in an _O_ and she blushed to the roots of her hair.

"Oh, I . . ." Kate stammered.

Castle wrapped an arm around each of them and squeezed. "Right. Kate definitely has to."

He pushed up from the couch and retrieved a plain white box, a little wider than his palm and several inches high, intricately wrapped with a silver ribbon.

Kate took the box and looked up at him with narrowed eyes. "What happened to 'I didn't get you anything'?"

Castle just shrugged and tapped the box.

She alternated between tugging at the knots and shooting him suspicious looks. She was annoyed. And pleased. He was pretty sure about that. And annoyed at being pleased. She was altogether delicious. Castle made quick revisions to Operation Snatch and Barricade. Most of her consonants were back and he had high hopes for a speedy tongue recovery.

The thought did away with the last of his patience. Castle grabbed the box from her and pulled hard enough to snap the ribbon. He dropped it back in her palm with an innocent look and accepted a well-deserved jab from her and a scandalized "Dad!" from Alexis.

Kate eased the lid off and peered inside. It was . . . hideous. A tiny vinyl horse with a shock of magenta hair. Its tail was streaks of the same color mixed with deep purple. The left half of the horse was also deep purple, peppered with threats in word balloons, lightning, and purple flames—a super villain. The right side was mostly neon green, the "costume" a simpler, cleaner design with a single comic book hero promise reading: "I'll save you!"

Kate's mouth opened and closed. "A . . . My Little Pony?"

"A _collector's_ My Little Pony," Castle corrected. "I told you I was serious about the pony."

Alexis leaned in curiously. "I thought _I_ was getting a pony," she pouted.

"Don't be greedy, Monster Feet." Castle kissed her cheek.

He turned back to Kate and blinked. Something about the way she was looking at him made his heart pound. He wasn't sure if it was in a good way or not.

"Kate?"

She made him wait. One beat, then two. He didn't know which way that was edging him.

"Thank you, Castle." She slid her fingers behind his neck and pressed her lips to his cheek. "Thank you."

"You're . . . welcome?" Castle's voice climbed without his permission.

Kate's smile took a decided turn for the satisfied.

* * *

"You didn't get me anything."

Castle jumped and whirled around. He hadn't heard the bathroom door open and he would have sworn she hadn't cast a reflection in the mirror.

"Kate! It might be a while before it's a good idea to sneak up on me. Still having ferret issues. And Esposito issues," he added, wincing at the dark streaks creeping into the bruise on her jaw.

"You didn't get me anything," she repeated.

"But I did," he said nervously. He gestured into the low light of the bedroom. "Pony!"

She eased herself up on to the counter, her long, bare legs dangling from under the hem of one of his t-shirts. She suddenly seemed to find the floor fascinating. "How long have you had it?"

He thought about playing dumb. He thought about hedging. But even without the glögg disadvantage, what would be the point? She'd break him. She'd always break him.

"Three-ish years?" It wasn't quite a smile, though it was trying to be. His heart was still pounding and the jury was still out on whether that was good or bad.

"And it . . ." She nodded her head like she'd just decided something. She had. She'd decided to fix him with the world's most piercing stare. "It was for me. You got it for me."

"I got it for you. Comicon. You were still so . . . . you were mad at me. And I missed you. And I didn't know how to make . . ." He ground his teeth. "I didn't want to admit that it was my fault or do the work to make it right. Or accept that maybe I could never make it right. So . . . pony."

"But you never gave it to me."

"I never gave it to you," he repeated faintly. He reached out and hooked his pinky around hers. "Kate . . . I have . . . half a closet full of things I never gave you. A couple of drawers. I think maybe one of the storage lockers downstairs. Full of things I never gave you."

"Why?" She was not letting up on the piercing stare. The needle on the heart-pounding gauge swung wildly back and forth.

"I have more storage space than a metrosexual, a teenager, and an actress could possibly need?" He tried out a lopsided grin, half-bracing for a jab.

"Castle . . ." Her eyes dropped again and the needle lurched into "bad" territory.

"Kate, they're not . . . most of them are silly. And small things, mostly. Some are from when I hurt you. Or I wanted to help and I couldn't." He stepped closer and let go of her pinky to slide his hand up to her shoulder. "But most of them are just things I thought you'd like or things I wanted to know if you'd like. So I bought them, because I could, and because I like to. And because I hoped."

"Hoped?" She turned her head to kiss the heel of his hand.

"I hoped there'd be a right time to give them to you. And now there is." He leaned his forehead against hers.

"Now there is," she breathed and touched her lips to his. "But you still didn't get me anything for Christmas."

Castle froze.

_Oh, nefarious, Beckett,_ he thought. _Nefarious._

He laughed and tugged at her hands, pulling her down from the counter and backwards into the bedroom. She laughed, too, and came willingly. They stumbled together, a tangle of clumsy limbs and sloppy, careless kisses.

Castle's calves hit the edge of the bed and he let himself fall backwards, taking her with him. Kate yelped when he pushed at her shoulder and pulled at her waist and suddenly she was on her back and the kisses were a little less careless, a little less sloppy

"I still didn't get you anything for Christmas," Castle murmured against her ribs. He nipped at her skin, then pushed himself upright. He braced himself over her and gave her a wicked smile. "I didn't get you anything or Christmas, and you love me anyway."

Kate grinned. She wound her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. Another laughed filled his mouth, and then her words.

"I do, Castle. I do love you anyway."

* * *

A/N: In addition to doing research on ferret reproduction, I also did research on My Little Pony Collectibles. Because THAT IS HOW EVIL the ferret is. See Beckett's pony at my my tumblr.

pollylynn dot tumblr dot com


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